Saturday, December 24, 2011

Never too late

Is it better to wake up in the middle of the night with horrible clenching pain, pain so bad that I can't find any way to lie down comfortably? Is it better to wake up in the middle of the night, sleep interrupted, ruined, destroyed, just waiting for another horrible day trying to feel like something is possible? Is it better to wake up in the middle of the night with all that pain, or to sleep through the night, and then wake up in the morning thinking maybe today is okay, I mean I’ve slept later and I feel awful, but at least I didn't wake up in the middle of the night, right?

Except then I get up, and there's all this pain, so I guess this was going on all night, right? I guess this is why I feel ruined anyway, destroyed, thinking about all the things I was going to accomplish today and maybe I'll still accomplish them, but I'll feel this awful. Hard to stand up because of the pain, hard to sit down, and then somehow I'm going to eat? And eat again. Yesterday as soon as I ate everything faded away: it was like my day was over, just like that. Today my day is already over, I mean even though it just started: what will happen when I eat today? Yesterday I asked Paul Pitchford if he had any ideas for the bloating, he said: you could stop eating.

Right: I could stop eating. Do you ever ask yourself that question: is it better to jump off a cliff, or fall? IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO FIND THE RIGHT HOLIDAY GIFT. This guy wants to know if I'm tired in my dreams, a good question – somehow is comforting to realize that I'm not. Before I was looking at the maps of all the cities, somehow I was in Burma discovering the underground music that everyone knows about but doesn't say, you know – like, in the back of that store, late at night – but, what did it sound like?

Jingles and shingles – can you hear that? Yes, shingles, that's what the doctor thought the blisters on my toes looked like. What do you do for them, she asked. Oh, sorry – I thought I went to the doctor. You see – every day, I'm getting a little bit better. Someone else: have you thought of living in a smaller place? It was Heather actually, the therapist, she meant a smaller town because of the fresh air. But I'm already in the smaller place, because of the fresh air, and it didn't help it didn't help it didn't help it didn't HELP. I can only imagine what would happen if I went further out, waking up in the middle of the night and someone would be burning their trash on their front lawn.

And, can you imagine trying to get somewhere, anywhere? I shouldn’t say that I will never live in smaller place, but I can certainly say that it’s unlikely. I mean, I wouldn't mind a smaller place if everything was within a few blocks – theoretically, I mean – instead of the hideous sprawl that every smaller place has become. Maybe a bunch of tourist shit in the middle, but I don't even know where that thought came from – I'm not moving to a smaller place, that's for sure – give me a city, any city, now.

Or, soon – no, not any city – not the ones where the hideous sprawl connects with hideous sprawl connects with hideous sprawl, but IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO FIND THE RIGHT HOLIDAY GIFT – if we were in New York, we could go to Macy’s together, right? Today I woke up thinking about the ultrasound, maybe I should do that ultrasound exam before I leave, just in case it reveals something. Supposedly my gut health is fine, did you hear that? From the tests, I mean. What would the ultrasound reveal?

Then I worry about cancer – don’t people wait too long to find out, and then that's where death comes in, right? Like my father – his cancer started in the gut. Not a good thought process in the morning, I just have to keep remembering that IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO FIND THE RIGHT HOLIDAY GIFT – I'll go outside to try to find some fresh air, sit in the chilly sun looking towards the snow to see the brightness reflected but not directly into my eyes, it's later today, later than I would like, I mean later wouldn’t matter if I could just wake up feeling better and will that ever happen? Something's burning on the stove.

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