Saturday, December 17, 2011

Ruined

These days I can't tell when I should stop eating, I mean by what time. Because it's seven and I haven't eaten in over an hour, but I don't feel hungry, which seems strange, but then 7:30 and maybe I am hungry? Maybe that's why I feel so awful, because I haven't eaten? Although the bloating hasn't started, maybe I'm done – because my rule is to stop eating by 8, even though this hasn't helped me at all, but now I'm worried that I'm going to get wired if I don't eat so I put a little bit of wild rice and steamed vegetables on a plate, and some adzuki beans, but then I put the adzuki beans back in the pot and eat the vegetables and rice, and sure enough there's the bloating again. Then I'm so angry I'm screaming at my apartment, whatever that will do, even though my head feels calmer my body is worse and then I'm so sad and tired again, tired too early, tired like I'm just waiting to go to bed, tired but it's too early to go to bed, tired but I have to wait another few hours because I just ate, because I wouldn't fall asleep this early anyway, or I would fall asleep and then I would be wired, I want to go on a walk but I don't have the energy to go on a walk, all the fireplace soot is filling my apartment but I don't have the energy to get the air purifier out of my bedroom and turn it on. I never have the energy to do that. I'm leaving Santa Fe in a month and a day, and I hope I have the energy then, still so much to plan and will I wake up in the middle of the night ruined again, ruined in the middle of the night and the next day ruined in advance, even with all the time I don't have energy to do anything and no one calls, so I call people, but that's just more exhausting, everything is more exhausting, maybe I'll go outside on a walk anyway, just to see, although my throat is starting to feel scratchy again and every time I forget scratchy I think I'm still fighting off that cold from a month ago but actually I think my throat is scratchy because of the fireplaces. Oh, the fresh air – why I came here, right? Now I know, know know know know know, now I know, no no no no no.

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