Saturday, December 31, 2011

Without the way

It’s these tiny things that play out in my head, like my mother keeps calling, leaves a message like we didn’t just talk a few days ago, it’s that urgency in her voice like she needs me to call. Tomorrow. But why? Why the urgency, why tomorrow? Doesn’t she realize that I'm moving in 18 days, that I'm planning my book tour and a new anthology and I don't even want to mention what else, I mean it would all be great if I just felt okay. Not amazing – just okay. I mean, amazing would be even better, but the truth is that I feel awful, nothing but awful, and then I leave a message from my mother saying happy new year, but please don't call me and tell me you need to talk to me unless there's a particular reason, I feel free to call anytime but tomorrow I don't think I'll be available.

And then I feel like I'm a horrible person – I mean I left that message so that I would feel better, but then I feel worse. And, talking to her: how it always leads to me feeling hopeless because of that place before words, that time before safety, the hopelessness before hope, the trap of the place where I grew up called home that just meant help, help me, there is no help, there will never be help, and this happens just from nothing, right? This feeling of. This feeling of. This feeling.

And then: like I need to call her back and cancel that, I mean I already tried but her voicemail didn't have that option: I couldn't re-record. I wanted to change the tone in my voice, so that I could say the same thing without. Without the way I'm really feeling.

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