Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Effortlessness

Feldenkrais can be so amazing -- before I was stuck in doom and gloom, shitting non-stop in that way that happens when my sleep gets wildly interrupted again, why again, I thought I was getting to a better place but then my mind is racing and it feels too early to get up but maybe I'm wrong, maybe it isn't too early at all and I look at the clock and it's 4 am. Effortlessness: that's hard to pronounce. Harder to achieve when everything in my life is about effort, pushing through the doom and gloom to get to that place of stunning achievement -- last night at the launch it was packed, and remember how, before I started this tour I was worried that I would be doing readings, and there wouldn't be any faggots any audience and that would kind of prove the point of the book, right? So, even if it was packed, I might feel lonely.

But this audience was almost all faggots, all ages too and most of the people I didn't know, which is always kind of exciting, right? That the book is reaching people in the way that I want it to. A beautiful event and then I'm stuck in the aftermath of knocked-down sadness leading to the doom and gloom, sleep first but that didn't help. Until -- yes, feldenkrais. Yes, feldenkrais, please. That moment when he's holding my head at the end and I just fall right into rest, I wish I could figure out a trick for that in bed and afterwards he says that thing about effortlessness, so hard to pronounce but there it is, walking on the street letting the light flow over and into me and yes I'm tired but not destroyed, effortlessness until it's time to get ready for another event

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