Saturday, February 25, 2012

Maybe at some point

I was going to tell you how I'm feeling, but then I checked my email and started feeling something else -- that frantic excitement of publicity taking me out of the exhaustion in my head, body -- and then I came back, to the way I'm feeling: broken, overwhelmed, how am I doing this? Like yesterday when I was on the way to Sonoma with Randy, we started with so much extra time but maybe we were too relaxed and then we took a wrong turn and we only had the exact amount of time it was supposed to take, which wasn't enough because then we couldn’t stop so that I could stretch, go to the bathroom, relax and when we arrived into this auditorium actually packed, a queer studies class and I'm not sure if I've seen a queer studies class like this -- probably more than 150 people, some of them standing in back or sitting in the aisles.

I rushed to the bathroom to shit, as then back into the sweltering classroom and the funny thing is that as soon as I started my talk I felt great or okay not great, but calm, energized, excited, interested, glad that I was there talking to a roomful of mostly gender-normative straight women I would imagine, but a room definitely engaged with what I was saying, which felt fine and important to me. Randy said something like that afterwards, how it felt crucial and rare to talk to that audience.

Today is how many days later? That drive ruined my life. What was it that I almost felt like I was back to my normal exhaustion overwhelm? Anyway, now I'm back to the place of how can I get back to that normal exhaustion overwhelm? When do I get to rest for six months? Why doesn't rest ever work?

I can't believe how warm it is here -- or, maybe it's not that warm today, just sunny so that it feels warm in this apartment. But, in general, it's been warm, honey, warm. Good thing I'm getting my sun before Seattle, right? I'll be arriving at the perfect time -- maybe just three more months of rain and dark before a lovely summer, a chance to get ready for the approaching nine-month darkness. I think I'm looking forward to Seattle -- starting to, anyway. I just wish I didn't have to deal with all this travel first.

Oh, travel -- that first train, from Santa Fe to LA, ruined my life. I know I just said that about the drive to Sonoma and back, but that first train was the one that started this mess. In a few days, I'm taking another overnight train -- it's that recycled air that destroys me. Hopefully I'll at least sleep well like last time, and then maybe feel a little delusional that I'm okay, and maybe at some point I will be.

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