Monday, February 27, 2012

One day

I wanted to go on a walk before dark, but now it's dark. Now I will go on a walk after dark. Or, not yet. When I'm ready. Yes, I'm still at the computer. I was going to put the feldenkrais CD on, but then I thought wait, let me keep writing, this is relaxing, this writing, I need more of this, this relaxing. Just lean back in the chair, close my eyes a little, and keep writing. Breathe. Keep writing. This is practice. I'm practicing breathing. Relaxing. This is breathing: my chest. This is writing: my breathing.

Awareness: my head leaning up, maybe that is why my jaw hurts? Lower back pain: maybe I'll sit up. Scratchy throat: yes I need more water.

Yesterday I posted on craigslist for the first time in a while. It was that moment of horniness that needed to be met, just a moment and then I stayed on the computer for too long and nothing happened except more pain and eventually I jerked off on the phone sex line just listening to some guy's voice and leaving him a message. A connection request: that's what they call it. A connection bequest: one day we will give. A connection inquest: in quest. One day I will learn what it is that I need. Find: need. Need: find. One day.

Yes, my jaw still hurts: not a good time for sucking cock. Not that that's what I'm looking for now, here in these words, but it came up. Two feldenkrais appointments in a row before I leave, that sounds exciting. My jaw: speaking. These words: my jaw. Speaking need. What we will find. One day.

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