Thursday, March 29, 2012

Choices

Today it’s too long to the park and back but this is already after. There must be something to say about how excited I am to be here, especially when I go on walks and study everything growing -- daffodils, succulents, even the roots of the trees breaking the asphalt -- how excited I am to be here, and also how awful I feel: completely drained, exhausted, almost unable to function. Is it time for a nap?

I don't want a nap: naps make me feel awful. Today I got up earlier, and I thought that was a good sign, but maybe it wasn't. I mean I feel awful, so I guess it wasn't a good sign. What would be a good sign?

They redid the floors in my new apartment, and now they're painting. I haven't seen anything at, but they agreed to pay in pastel yellow and pastel orange so I know my apartment will look lovely. And, I'll have almost 2 weeks to open the windows and let everything breathe before I move in. Do you see how this sounds exciting, but I can't feel excited, because I'm so exhausted? Now I feel like I need to eat, but I also need to get back in bed -- what should I do first? I guess if I get back in bed before eating, then I'll just get wired, so maybe I should eat first, but then that might just give me a stomach ache.

Walking in the rain: I do like walking in the rain. My brain, rhymes with rain and now I can't think of anything else to say I mean I can't get anything else to come out of my brain except this headache so I better lie down.

7 comments:

Lady J said...

What should you do first? I think you should breathe..
:)
You sound too much like me. Heh. I love daffodils. They are my favorite flowers. I call them "trumpet flowers" and sometimes "Alice in Wonderland flowers" as they look like they are about to speak.

Daffodils and pastel. I liked hearing about that in your post. Wonderful things to be grateful day. I hope your day panned out.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, Lady J -- how did that day turn out, good question -- I think I took a nap, and then...

Love --
mattilda

Lady J said...

Gratitude is sometimes difficult to come by. It's something I'm learning about slowly. Something I'm trying to put into action. Something I realize I must practice. After all, I've been practicing pessimism since I was a wee lass. I realize that it's impossible to be grateful and sad at the same time. I think I can I think I can I think I can...

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Gratitude? Not sure if that's what I need to practice exactly, but I'll think about it...

Love --
mattilda

Lady J said...

Whoops, I'm sorry. I think I misread your post. I just read it again. You were saying how you enjoyed where you were but you felt so awful. For some reason I thought you meant you felt awful, emotionally. As in depressed.

Sorry, don't listen to me! I'm going to shut up now.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Oh, now I understand -- yes yes you're right: excited to be here, but feeling physically awful. Sometimes that does make me depressed, and then the beauty and listening to the birds and looking at the trees takes me out of it, but then oh the awful of the physical again, oh no...

Thanks so much for writing again!

Love --
mattilda

Lady J said...

:)