Saturday, March 31, 2012

The order has arrived

Did I walk too far, maybe I walked too far -- but, then, too far is the walk I need: I mean I can't go on my daily walk without this park, even though today it's freezing and raining hard still it clears my head and makes me see things so softly. Until I'm home and my head is blocked off, the new pounding headache in my temples, is this from walking too far, exhausting myself even when I'm surrounded by calm, the flowers, the birds, the sound of rain, the drains gargling, a few dog walkers and joggers and yes, the rain, from inside it can be depressing but then you go outside and rain is what makes this air so fresh, right, but then I'm back at home and my lower back is messed up, maybe the new shoes that are more waterproof, so exhausted that I don't want to do anything else, whatever it was that I was thinking of doing I don't want to do it, don't want to get back in bed either though, that'll just mess up my head more, but what are the other options?

I don't want to get groceries now, but I do need groceries, maybe I should call someone to see if they want to take me grocery shopping. Before I was going to go to the post office to send Justin a money order to pay for gas for the moving truck on the way here, but I think I'll wait for that until Monday, might have to go to the ATM twice to get enough money anyway. There's this big TV here in my temporary apartment and I keep thinking of watching a video when I get this tired, but then I can't figure out how it works and pressing all the buttons on the remote controls hurts my body, so I won't try that again.

I would like to say that walking too far would eventually not feel like too far, I mean my body would get used to it and I would become stronger, but I'm not sure that's the way my body works. All I know is that I need my walks to the park, that's my favorite thing so far about being here, but what if these walks are draining me more than helping? Oh, how will ever figure this out, this pattern, this pattern of exhaustion and overwhelm and what helps and what hurts and the latest appointment with a new naturopath, on the phone this time and I don't think I like her style very much. She won't tell you anything that she doesn't recommend. I mean she recommends that I eat meat, animal protein she calls it, that's the only thing that has worked for anyone in my situation -- for her, my situation means a liver that isn’t working to detoxify my body fast enough. That part I'm sure is true, but what about the fact that when I tried eating fish a little over a year ago, 10 times, and 10 times it made me sick? She thinks that if I take this one particular enzyme formula, that won't happen -- she acts as if it's that simple, but is she listening to the way I describe my life, my digestion, all the little things that make me sick, including every digestive enzyme formula I've taken except one? What makes her think that this time will be different?

I feel like she's applying some formula to me -- I guess it's based on her experience with other clients, but I wish she would tell me the other options that haven't worked, just so I can go through them and see if I’ve already tried them all. It just doesn't make sense to me that something that dramatically increases the horrible bloating that's destroying my life will help the horrible bloating that's destroying my life. She thinks the bloating might be caused by a small intestine bacterial overgrowth, which sounds like an okay theory but it turns out the only way to test for small intestine bacterial overgrowth is by eating meat -- or, sorry, animal protein -- for three days. What about if we just treat for small intestine bacterial overgrowth, and see if that helps?

But then we won't have the diagnosis, she says. Who cares about the diagnosis? I've had enough diagnoses, and they haven't helped. Not that I'm saying the treatment for small intestine bacterial overgrowth will help, but the other natural path suggested a berberine extract for that, said that many of his clients did not have any adverse effects from that, so that sounds like a good place to start for me. I ordered that formula while back, thought I would start it when I got to Seattle, or once I was a bit more settled like now, but now it's in a box in Nick's apartment in San Francisco. I mean Randy's apartment, that's Nick’s name in my writing. Don't worry -- I changed the first name too, but wanted to preserve the error or not error but the way truth imitates truth, right?

Guess what? This writing is actually making me feel better. Or, is it the throat lozenge? More writing! More throat lozenges! More truth imitating truth! So anyway, I ordered the berberine extract from a store here in Seattle, but why haven't they called me yet? Maybe that's what I'll do now: I'll call to see if my order has arrived.

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