Wednesday, April 04, 2012


The sun can be so tricky in Seattle -- here it is, I'm sitting outside basking, as they say, I know you're supposed to say basking in the sun and what does basking mean without the sun anyway I'm not sure. And yes, the sun is bringing all this light inside and it's tempting to think oh, it will never go away, even if I know that in a few minutes it might. Actually, there it goes. And then it's funny to think that, even when I was so excited I started worrying that it would get too warm I mean not now, now it's only 40-something but in the summer which here is always so sure but still sometimes those hot days and I was already worrying, even while hoping that this particular sun would never leave.

Do you see how everything can be so complicated? For example, I had those few moments of excitement while sitting outside, back inside thinking today I feel okay, but then as soon as I ate I felt awful. Shouldn't be a surprise, since this usually happens, right, but still I feel so awful: everything is a surprise when you feel awful. Or, not a surprise, but still overwhelming. Now I don't even want to go for a walk -- I called to get an appointment for an STI screening, but I guess they don't take appointments until 2 pm. There were all these things I wanted to do, still want to do, but now I don't have the energy. Should I make a call anyway? I can't decide. That's another problem with feeling so exhausted: it's hard to make decisions. Should I go back to bed? No way in hell -- I don't want to go back to bed. I better get outside, I guess, or maybe over to my new apartment -- now I have the keys, I can start measuring to see where everything will fit. I was going to call someone to see if they might want to help with measuring, that's right, but already told you that making a call sound completely overwhelming. Maybe I will try anyway, although should I get out of the house first? A call or two won't take much time, then I'll feel accomplished and maybe going out will be better -- it's funny, or not funny, but even going to the park doesn't sound appealing, why am I even more exhausted today than yesterday?

Wait, I actually made some calls, and it made me feel better. An email about a new book contract certainly helped as well. And, the sun's out! Now I think I'll go for a walk, maybe even to the park. So long, gray day -- I don't mean the sky, which could switch to gray at any moment, I mean the gray in my head, which could also switch back at any moment, but let's hope anyway.

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