Thursday, April 12, 2012

But can I add that I'm so glad I wrote this, even if that ruins the flow, I mean sometimes I'm too exhausted to write and then when I write anyway I really write, and that's how I'm feeling now.

I'm trying to decide whether to take a nap. Since you already know how naps make me feel, you know how I'm feeling. Oh, why pretend? I already took a nap -- I wanted to write before I took a nap, but then I needed to get in bed. That's what happens. In spite of the guaranteed results. It's not exactly that naps make me feel worse, even when they become an absolute necessity, but that certain things become worse: my sinuses, my head. Beforehand, I can barely speak because I'm so tired, eyes closing while I'm fading away, but then after I can barely speak because I'm so tired -- I'm not fading away, I'm already faded. My head is blocked instead of closing. Which is better? Which is worse?

But, I already told you that this nap was a necessity, so I guess the result is a necessity too? Maybe that doesn't make sense. I thought I had this whole moving thing planned out pretty well. I mean that's how I have to do everything -- figure out what kind of assistance I need, and make sure I arrange it ahead of time. I rented a truck, and hired a friend to drive all my things here, and then I hired movers in Santa Fe to pack the truck, and movers in Seattle to unload everything, and then hired my friend to stay here for eight days to help me unpack everything, after two nights of rest. I thought I had it figured out so that it would be kind of leisurely, or at least not too overwhelming, right?

But then eight days became one day and that was yesterday, 11 hours in a row of unpacking and now all this pain in my head from that nap in order to recover, or start to recover, or no not really for either of those things but just because I couldn't do anything else. I want to write about the interplay between privilege and disability, friendship and work, care and conflict and so much more I mean I'm behind on writing about sex and Seattle and I keep saying that I'm glad to be here but I feel horrible. I mean: I feel like I've made the right choice, and this will be a good place for me, but at the moment I can barely function I'm so exhausted and then something like this happens -- and, strangely, during the 11 hours of starting to unpack, planning and strategizing to get as much possible done, the most important things, during that time I felt calmer actually or maybe not calmer but more directed, that makes more sense, more directed and now I'm suffering the consequences or let's not call it suffering let’s just say strategizing, I was going to put out a call earlier for help with unpacking but then I got too tired and now I'm still too tired so I guess I'll put out the call later on, now maybe another feldenkrais lesson on CD although I'm bored of all those CDs, too repetitive but something to help with this pain, right, did I mention that does before my nap, or when I was trying to decide whether to take a nap, I ended up plunging the toilet 30 times or no, more than 30 times because the water was about to overflow, luckily only water and a little bit of urine because then I ended up flushing it accidentally and yes, that meant the water came pouring into the room and then I had to clean that up before or no I think after I called to see if I could rent my temporary apartment for another week, because my actual apartment is filled with boxes and too draining to live in right now unless I need to, but luckily I don't so I wanted to see if I could rent this place for an extra week, then I wouldn't have to stress out about moving into the new place in two days, that would be a mess, right now there isn't even enough room for me to chop vegetables or open the refrigerator. But anyway, I did make that call, and a follow-up email, and friends have volunteered to help tomorrow and on Sunday, so now I just have to put the word out for more assistance, I think that should work okay or actually I guess what I'm saying is that I'm too tired to think about it right now I mean I am thinking about it right now but I'm too tired and my body is starting to hurt more, arms and jaw and wrists especially and I'd like to go on a walk because one thing that almost always makes me feel better in Seattle is a walk, I mean the other night it was like night and day, I'm using that phrase intentionally even if it makes no sense because I already told you it was night, right, but before I left the house I wasn't even sure that I could leave the house I mean I felt so tired, drained, exhausted, overwhelmed, the bloating in full force but I went outside anyway, and then as soon as I had gone a few blocks I felt like a different person, a different person with all that air around me and that's when I know I've made the right choice, people ask me about the culture and the people and that I don't know just yet, I mean I know but I don't know. I mean I get excited just looking at people outside, all the interesting and not-quite-interesting people but I don't know anything about them or us and I do know about some of the people I've met but I don't know exactly because we’d just met I mean I don't know whether we'll actually see one another or what that will mean and that's how I feel about the people who I do know as well, but when I walk outside and the air clears my head, the interplay between urban and non-urban in this neighborhood, the trees and the views and the skies and the park and everything growing, that's when I know this is the right choice and I know this is a long sentence because this is a long thought and in this thought I also realize that I was excited about all of this in Santa Fe too, the exterior beauty, the landscape, the sky and the light and the air, right, so I guess the real difference will be the people and for now just seeing people on the street and the interaction of the everyday and even the way fashion molds into and away from compassion, somehow that's enough or not enough but less lonely for now, hoping for way less lonely but not ready to work on that yet exactly because first I need to get settled. Settled in my body, settled in my apartment, settled in my sleep, settled in my dreams I was going to say and of course that's about sleep too but so much more, and that's why I said it.

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