Thursday, April 26, 2012

The clouds rolling and in the distance

I'm feeling a bit like a yo-yo today: wake up feeling wrecked but then I'm energized by all the air blowing through my apartment, yes, actually maybe I'm a little bit wired in my head with new ideas but I won't share them now in case I crash I mean I will crash, that's what I'm saying, that I crash hard but then I'm running out to catch the bus, and somehow I have energy again, maybe they air and can you believe the sun is coming out? The sun on a cold day like this is so elegant and charming, just a hint here and there to brighten everything. Then I crash again, but actually not as hard, I'm still suffering from the paint fumes in my apartment or I guess fumes might be the wrong word because they finished the painting 23 days ago but still I wake up every day with a headache, mostly in the living room it doesn't smell but unfortunately in my bedroom it's worse and that's where I sleep, right? Here comes the exhaustion, but wait, I was going to dare to say that at least this back and forth is better than just the knocked-down crisis overwhelm push through it to try to do something, anything, or no, something specific, but always pushing through that wall and the wall is still there. The yo-yo is better, I will take the yo-yo, especially last night when somehow I felt okay and actually made it to the reading even though all day I was thinking I wouldn't make it: I made it, and I actually had energy there, and I met some interesting people, had good conversations and then I was standing there at the end trying to make sense but all the air was stuck. I mean it was hot and humid and stuffy inside and people were smoking outside and I went outside to get some are but you already know that people were smoking, right, so then I went inside and got ready to leave and when I left I felt like I was fleeing, running from the smoke, some of the people I like smoking just over there and I guess I see what someone was saying, who was it, about how, when it's raining out, it's hard to tell people to go further from the building and anyway, I just needed to get away. At my building it’s the same, all the smoking outside – yes, the house across the street too, which I think is more mental health services than assisted living, maybe some of both, I'm not sure except that the smoking happens during the day and I’ve thought about asking them to move the smoking area out back but I just looked out back and there isn't really an area, and when I was walking past the front there was a woman collapsed over her walker, there are a lot of people that go there who use walkers, I said hi and when she looked over I could see that overmedicated stare and I felt so much compassion, her hi took maybe five or six times longer than you might think and the expression in her eyes was so far away and I couldn't go there, but I was there, on the corner with her and I wanted to stop and talk some more, she wasn't smoking, but it didn't look like she would be too capable of talking and it's strange that the fact that she seemed so lost made me want to talk to her, maybe try to get through the glaze, I don't know, but now I'm back upstairs looking at the trees in front of that building, they have a beautiful one with pinkish white flowers blowing on the sidewalk, and then a smaller one with the red flowers on the side, a yellow and a green one in between and did I mention how I can see the sky above the buildings, the sky through my window, the clouds rolling and in the other direction the tall skinny pine trees shaking, there’s a black and white striped awning on one of the buildings, that's pretty too, CenturyLink wants to make me a special offer on DirecTV and I don't want any kind of TV but they keep calling me so maybe I'll try to do laundry and get some groceries even though I'm in the crash the crash doesn't feel so bad right now.

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