Saturday, April 07, 2012


It's beautiful out today, and I feel awful. I didn't realize how awful I felt, until I started walking towards the park for the first time in several days and I got about a block before thinking I needed to turn around, then I thought maybe I would just sit in the sun in the park that’s a block away, a small grassy part of a hill that looks like it was a construction site but then somehow it became a park, or it’s in the process of becoming a park, and I need to find out more about how that happened but I wanted to walk further because otherwise when will I walk, and the strategy that works is just to walk slower and slower, then somehow there’s Aloha and then my brain knows I'm almost there.

There's some kind of bike race going on, caution tape around trees that doesn't make sense but I guess it's to make sure the bikes don't go off the path and I notice the grass is wet like maybe they watered but that doesn't make any sense so I guess it must have rained earlier on. Now it's sunnier than it's been since I arrived, and up at the top of the park they are playing some kind of mid-‘80s or early-’90s or maybe it's mid-‘90s rock music, familiar lyrics and whiny male vocals, some bottled water company and AlaskaAir are sponsoring the race and it looks like the winners just came in, three women and somehow one of them already has a baby in her arms. A lot of the contestants are really young, maybe a youth race and it seems innocuous enough until I hear the announcer say: a dude with a dog in a pink jacket -- I don't know about you, but that just doesn't sound right.

Now I'm heading out of the park, past daffodils that look thicker than the last time I mean maybe there are more of them, up 13th which is my favorite because of all the curves, and then I'm back to that new park, there’s a lean-back chair in the sun and yes I'm sitting there, mittens and scarf off first, then jacket and shirt and sweater and I'm trying to position my house so that it blocks the sun from my face but that doesn't really work with this hat because the brim is too small but anyway I'm sitting in the sun yes the sun and maybe this park will work after I move into my new apartment, since I won't have a patio or a balcony or anything -- and mean I'm fantasizing that the building manager will let me sit on the roof, even though he already told me that no one's allowed on the roof -- but if not, I guess I can come here, or actually there's a tiny park right next to my building but I can't tell yet whether the sun actually reaches there.

Then I'm home again, or this place that's home for now, trying to decide whether I'm too tired to do anything except get back in bed. I want to call someone to get groceries, but I'm too tired to make any calls right now, that’s when I start thinking about that but maybe for us all sit on the patio in the sun, more sun, better get it while I can. But maybe I need a nap first, why am I so tired, sad too, tired and sad and I wish this wasn't so familiar.

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