Sunday, April 29, 2012

Like a piñata bursting open but keeping its shape as a flower

Oh, right – I was going to say something about going to Steamworks, so that these guys who won't even look at me on the street will suddenly want to make out, or get me on my knees, or make out and get me on my knees. First I better do some feldenkrais, to try to get this pain all over my body to go away. Maybe I should eat more first too, I can't decide about that part. Am I too tired to eat more? Oh, no – if I might be too tired to eat more, then I'm probably too tired to go to Steamworks, right? What's amazing is this piece of art that's right on my wall at eye level when I'm sitting at the desk, if I just turn to the side between the printer and the window – it's so much fun to look at. It's one of the ones that I got framed just before I left Santa Fe, so it's never been on my wall before, and I wasn't thinking that it would be eye level when I was sitting at the desk, I was just thinking that from a distance it looks good with the photo above it and then the other piece of my grandmother’s art next to the photo, but the amazing benefit is that it's amazing to look at while I'm sitting here at the desk – collaged wrapping paper I mean wrapping paper made into a collage of something like flowers and a board game and liquor and a drawing of stone and even words: 500 PER USE RUN. This Design. This. Thi. Boxers. White and silver and pink puffy with a black frame and orangish card diamonds and gray and green and gold-on-white designs all torn up and glued together and look at those blue and pink flowers and then orange and yellow suns and white-on-black designs and somewhere something that looks like a stem. Shinier at the parts in the top corners, silver and even a hint of purple and the whole thing makes me think about growing to the sky on a gray day that feels more like a piñata bursting open but keeping its shape as a flower and some kind of dance in the kitchen after the café is closed. Speaking of trees, here I am again in the park. I know that nowadays queers on the Hill aren’t calling Volunteer Park the park as much – Cal Anderson Park has become the park, but we are the know how I feel about that one. Once it's warmer more often I guess I will have to check it out – packed with people, I know that much, and I'm assuming cigarette and pot smoke too – maybe on a day when I have energy, whenever that is, and I'm feeling social. But for beauty and calm it will always be Volunteer Park, that much I can tell, even if my walk really should end right before I get there, I mean that's when my energy is crashing, and I stand there at the bottom of the hill looking at a beautiful pink flowering tree, thinking: is this enough? Should I turn around, so that I don't get too exhausted? But no, I can't resist all the different textures under my feet, the birds and the trees that have lasted almost 100 years, some of them anyway. I've even started to like the koi pond, the little kid saying some of them are really big, really big – if we can't find them right now, we could always fish for them. And the mother says: this pond isn't for fishing. Why? It's for our enjoyment. And then 13th Ave. with all its curves I love these curves and back down the hill and over to the new park, Broadway Park I think it's called, something that used to be a construction site and then the city bought it, I wish that would happen with all these construction sites, and I realize the meeting at a church to talk about planning for the new park is today but I can't go today. Back at home in my apartment is so beautiful with the art on the walls now – whoever said art should always go on white walls was seriously wrong – these yellow walls are perfect and the light coming through the windows I love my windows and a lot of people are buying flowers today, that's what I notice, is it a holiday? I guess that walk didn't make me feel too exhausted, maybe I even feel better or at least better than I thought.

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