Friday, April 20, 2012

So many other kinds of softness and comfort

Desire is so strange. I'm not aware of feeling even the slightest bit horny, but then this jogger shows up, running shorts and shoes and nothing else just that pale buff chest exposed to the chilly air and heading right in my direction, I could say erection but it's not physical in that way, more the sort of longing in my chest and I'm remembering when I went jogging wearing shorts and shoes and nothing else although that was Provincetown in the summer so not quite as unexpected but maybe people looked at me in this way too although mostly I just remember the sweat pouring down my face and loving it. Soon after was when all the pain started or became overwhelming and then jogging became something briefly explored in the distant past, there’s one picture someone took of me in my jogging outfit, upside-down in a yoga posture but all tan and sweaty and that's what I have left.

This guy even looks at me in a curious and not-so-straight way, which makes me not quite look away and then of course from the back I'm taking it all in, all of it seems almost impossible the perfection of that type of body that I don't even long for anymore and that's a good thing but right now I'm longing. Then I find myself studying the curves of every guy’s body, ass mostly I guess because it's easier to study when they are turned away and that's the part that sticks out of clothes when clothes are covering and today it's cold. I guess I was doing this yesterday too, the way desire sneaks up on you and then you don't know what to do with it exactly, I mean especially when exhaustion is right around the corner and yes, desire can push it away for a moment or two but not necessarily for enough time to get to Steamworks, or not yet because I'm focusing on packing I mean unpacking, getting everything ready in the new apartment because tomorrow I move in. I want to move into desire too, and so many other kinds of softness and comfort or that's what I'm thinking now. The longing part I can do without.

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