Saturday, April 28, 2012

What will happen to the trees

Today it's back to the yo-yo, which I guess means progress, right? Even if it doesn't exactly feel that way when I'm at the bottom, which would be now, although I'm thinking of going to Steamworks anyway, so hopefully I will swing back up in the next hour or so. I keep trying to go to Steamworks, but then I keep crashing. Or, not having enough energy to start with. I figure I should go there because I keep looking at guys who shouldn't matter to me with something to close the longing, at Steamworks I can see that the end and then let go of the longing for at least a year days, right? Whatever the longing means: today I was thinking that I actually like being by myself maybe 80% of the time and maybe that's why I don't gravitate towards relationships, I mean the romantic/sexual variety, although I guess I'm trying to change that, or something, but first I need more energy. Maybe I don't need energy for Steamworks, will something happen when I arrive? I went once, several weeks ago, and I love the way the entrance is a stairwell that feels like a runway because of the slow incline and the lights on the sides, recessed lighting pointing up I think, or at least it felt that way, and the whole place was sleekly modeled with great lighting although that was lights-off night which didn't seem very off, just red, so I wonder what it's like when the lights aren't officially off. Oh, here comes that all-over body ache, not a good sign, although it does make the steam room sound kind of appealing. Last time I went to Steamworks, I didn't go into the steam room, it sounded too hot. Plus, I don't like walking out into the hallway with all my pores open like that. Instead I waited for this guy who was waiting for me to follow him to come back out, and then he asked me to go into the steam room but I said let's go somewhere else, and we did. The strangest thing was that he was wearing a jock strap underneath his towel, a fetish I guess but a steam room in a jock strap just sounds like jock itch to me and did I already write about this, or just think about writing about this, the way at first all of his movements were jerky and I was thinking that even though he was the one guy I was really attracted to in the place, and here he was with me in some corner they call a room, who calls it that, someone, or maybe a cubby, I'm not sure, but anyway his movements were jerky and I thought about how some people don't quite know how to have sex, a lot of people, I mean none of us really do but some of us do even when we don't and some of us don't, even when we do, and he was one of the ones who doesn't, or didn't, until he asked me if I got fucked and said sure, like it was just something casual, like it doesn't always make me nervous, but it had worked at the Steamworks in Vancouver, so I thought why not here, let's try it, and we went to my locker to get polyurethane condoms and then we were back in the cubby and as soon as he started fucking me he was grabbing me just the way I like it, really holding me like he was holding everything in and I thought maybe this is one of the reasons why people like to get fucked. But then I realized sometimes when someone starts fucking you it's the opposite, they stop touching you at all and it's only about that hole. But this was about touching me exactly the way I wanted, you already know that, and then we came all over each other and he said he was going home, me too, but then he kept walking around with me the different places – the shower, the bathroom, the lockers – and I figured maybe it was because I was talking and he liked talking, intimacy, I was comfortable, this doesn't happen often. But then when we got outside I realized oh, he wants my number – I mean that was because he asked for my number. He was visiting with Alaska Airlines, not a flight attendant but ground services or whatever they call that, but he said he came up here every two months or so and we should get together, then he walked downhill towards the light rail that people keep recommending but it doesn't go anywhere that's useful. I mean he goes to the airport – that's where he was going – but that's not useful to me. And today I learned that the new light rail stop on Capitol Hill is why they keep tearing everything down around here and building bigger buildings on tiny lots – to increase the density. They want to make the big house across the street from me into a six story building, but what will happen to the trees?

2 comments:

Max said...

"But then I realized sometimes when someone starts fucking you it's the opposite, they stop touching you at all and it's only about that hole."

Truth!

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Truth indeed :)

Love--
mattilda