Thursday, May 24, 2012

Actually, maybe

I don't want to make any pronouncements, but maybe today something is shifting: I wake up with my new novel in my head – Sketchtasy, the one about Boston, maybe I'm ready to start, it's all in my head, a beginning. But wait, let me take out my journal from that time – and then, oh no, I'm reading the whole thing. I say oh no because this will surely destroy my body, but somehow I can't bring myself to stop until it's all in my head, pulsating, and I’m mapping out all these different directions, maybe, different angles I wasn't thinking about before, wondering about this and that until I need to go outside to try to break any emerging pain, especially since now it's sunny out, all the sudden – everyone's been complaining about the cloudy, cold weather, and actually I like the cloudy, cold weather, and one of the reasons is that now this sun feels so intoxicating. Probably not much more than a few degrees warmer than before, but I'm taking all my layers off in the park, just the purple corduroys stay on, feet in the grass, body reaching towards sun and then this guy with two daschunds wants to talk a while, lots of stories about gay Missouri in the ‘80s which are pretty interesting actually, and his boyfriend who is probably even younger than I am – 21, yes that's definitely much younger – and then eventually he’s on his way, and I'm on my way, and now I'm definitely exhausted, not like before when I could feel my feet moving on the ground in a more viable way, then I'm at QFC trying to find buckwheat because I'm out, but they don't have it, but I keep looking and eventually find crushed buckwheat, not sure whether that will work, probably not, and then I'm upstairs using the self-service machine to check out because the register is closed and I'm sweating and I hate the world and I need to get out of here.

But then I'm home, and after a little bit of feldenkrais, the one with the eyes and jaw that sometimes works magic, afterwards I actually get my make/shift column to a close-to-finished place, something I've been working on for weeks and weeks but every time I start I just get too tired, like maybe I can write a few sentences or make an adjustment and then it's over, but now I realize it's getting close to finished, finally, and then I actually exceed at finishing the email to people who have sent in submissions for WE ARE NOT JUST THE 99%, which now I'm not doing – I mean I'm changing the direction, broadening the framing, which also means that I won't be doing it for a while, maybe months or years because I can't really, I don't have the energy, but I finally succeeded in sending that email and wow this feels like so much, so much that I've done in my head feels clearer and the sun is going down and the trees are shaking in the wind and the birds are chirping in the air so fresh and I'm actually excited about what's next.

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