Monday, May 21, 2012


Too many attractive guys walking by outside, and why does it always look like they are looking up at me as I look down, distracted from my exhaustion, end up cruising online until the dead-end becomes apparent, cruising online again. I could go on a walk, but I'm too tired. I could write something, but I'm too tired. I could do the dishes, but not yet. I just read, and now my arms hurt too much for more. I could watch a DVD, but I don't like watching DVDs really.

I guess it's something I can do when I'm exhausted: cruise online. Except it just makes me more exhausted. And, worse, it hurts my body. But, what doesn't? Another distraction, please. Maybe it's time to do the dishes. Another day, is it one or two days later? Time to get back in bed, this time in the afternoon on a rainy day, is that better or worse? There's something wrong with my camera, maybe if I take the battery out and charge it then everything will be fixed? Of course this happened when I went outside to take more pictures of Seattle building names, my developing art project. I still can't figure out how humidity works, when it's cold and when it's warm, or something like that – maybe it's just confusing in the borderline temperature area? I wish I was higher than the second floor, further away from all the smoking on this corner. I wish I didn't just notice the pain in my gut. I wish I wasn't thinking about getting back in bed. I wish I was in bed. I don't want to get in bed. There was so much more to say. There were so many ideas I wanted to convey.


Lady J said...

Sometimes I share your thought patterns. Painful to endure. As far as your physical pain. I don't know much about Fibromyalgia. Are you able to manage it?

theszak said...

Invigorating and motivating are two words that come to mind reading your work. Yet it's curious that with a great social sense of right and wrong, that there's nothing written recently about getting looked at for the fatigue, for a constellation of symptoms. At a medical center like at University of Washington or neighborhood health center get the routine physical exam to set a baseline for the future. Prevent infectious organisms from being passed along either from or to you.

          >"I wish I didn't just notice the pain in my gut."

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Lady J, oh who knows – it's actually the overwhelming exhaustion at all times that is much harder to manage than the physical pain -- except, I guess, this intestinal pain, which brings on the exhaustion – oh, the cycle!

"Invigorating and motivating" -- thank you, theszak! And oh, if I wrote about every time I interacted with a healthcare practitioner, and the general uselessness of it all, well I would never be able to write about anything else -- but, rest assured, I have another appointment with a naturopath next week, who knows if something will come of it but I don't think infectious organisms are the problem, since I have been tested for pretty much everything in that regard...

Love –

Lady J said...

I do worry about you Mattilda. Is there nothing they can do for you? Nothing to assist you?

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you, Lady J -- I will keep trying :)