Thursday, June 14, 2012

I really like you

I'm at the Other Side with Abby, trying to decide whether I should leave school even though I don't want money to be the terms of my falling out with my father. Abby starts reading this rant about assimilation from some zine she found and it's hot – honey, are you sure that's from Boston? And then this boy Rafael who she knows from BAGLY leans over and says: that's bullshit.

I’m still strung out from coke, opium, pot, and ecstasy a few days ago, plus I'm getting over a cold and all I’ve had is wheatgrass juice and I'm waiting for the waiter to bring me food so I can write. Of course Rafael is wearing a red ribbon, but Abby was wearing a red ribbon when I met her at Glad Day, and she figured it out quick – or, maybe that ribbon is still there on the leather jacket she got at the mall when she first arrived in Boston, I haven't seen that jacket in a while because it's cold now. But anyway there's this random faggot yelling at us, so I say: it doesn't have any meaning except I'm sorry people are dying. And Rafael says: it only has meaning if you give it meaning. And I say: we’re saying the same thing – the red ribbon as a symbol has no meaning, it's what you actually do, right?

And that's when he starts screaming at me, saying: Listen I like men if I wanted a girl I’d get a real one – if I wanted a woman I'd have sex with a woman. And: I'm HIV-positive and Latino, and I like the suburbs, what is wrong with the suburbs? If I want to move to the suburbs, I’ll move to the suburbs – I don't want to live all my life in a ghetto. I grew up in the suburbs. We all act the way we’re brought up and so, what's wrong with that? There's no way to fight your parents, they're the people who made you – the way you’re brought up is the way you're going to be.

And I say: We’re brought up to hate ourselves, and we can go beyond that. And he just keeps saying: I'm not a girl – if I wanted a girl, I'd sleep with a girl. And: I like the suburbs, I want to live in the suburbs, what is wrong with the suburbs? And then: I’d hate to see what they say about blacks.

And I say what? And he says: the people who wrote that. And I say I think they’d have pretty good race politics, their problem would probably be glorification. And Rafael looks at me like he's going to spit in my face, walks off like we're mortal enemies. And I'm thinking I need food I need food I need food and friends, I'm lonely and too dependent on Abby, Sean and Billy and drugs but I've only been in Boston a month and Abby just found this great zine, so at least there's someone here, and did the man behind me really just say, to the woman with him: I have to confess something, I've never given flowers to someone I don't know before, but I really like you, you remind me of my sister.

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