Sunday, June 10, 2012

That child's piano

A conversation with my mother, who says I don't remember ever doing anything sexual to you, do you? Did I even hit you? I remember picking you up and putting you down hard on the bed. I always felt like we had good physical boundaries, is that what you recall? Do you think I knew about it? If I knew something about it, I totally blocked it out. Do you feel like I could have done something, like I could have seen it or heard it? I think it's really great that you're working on this. You’re very self-analytical, almost like Freud.

I tell her I might have to stop talking to her at some point, and she gets quiet. I run into Gray at Bread & Circus again, which is funny because that's where we met, he asked me what I thought of the tortellini and I told him I was vegan and he got really interested and that's how we became friends. He’s decided only to wear hemp clothing and write poems that are 69 words, tells me I should watch out for the drugs, his father was a drug counselor. But you hate your father, I say. And then he starts going on about how fags play out violence in sex, and that's a good thing, it’s the ultimate solution to male supremacy. But how is that different than straight men playing out violence with women? Because they're men, he says, men can take it.

I don't want to tell you about the headaches or the jaw pain or how I feel like every time I work on something for school my life is slipping away, I'll just say that somehow I'm done and it's Christmas Eve and no one's around so I'm going to Paradise. Usually I go on Thursdays when the music is amazing and I can fling myself around in the dancing circle at the back corner, especially when Marc is there and I have so much fun jumping in and out of his moves and how do his feet look so light, I wonder if it has something to do with wearing sneakers. I wear shoes when I go dancing instead of combat boots now, but they're still big clunky black shoes and I want to fly but I can't imagine wearing sneakers, I guess I'm a regular now because I get to put my bag in the DJ booth. I remember the first time I walked in I was nervous because of all the attitude, a segregated dance floor with black queens in the front staring at me like get back and then white gay boys behind them looking at me like a bitch please, but then I found that tiny corner in the back where we all sweat it out and don't exactly smile at each other but work, honey, we work, okay, and when Michael Sheehan puts on that Osheen song with the child’s piano oh how I feel that shake that moves me to move everything.

No comments: