Saturday, July 14, 2012

Awful

Oh, no – how am I going to get to this Disability Justice Collective event? No – I know how I'm going to get there: Ryan is coming over in an hour, and we will walk there. But, how will I have enough energy? It just sounds terrible at the moment. Everything sounds terrible. I don't even want to write about it. I don't even want to write.

But wait, a conversation from outside: "I was going to go to your baseball game, but then I had to get drunk in the middle of the day." I'm not sure how this affects anything. I do know that it's so humid today, so humid that it's disgusting – is probably not much more than 70 degrees, but it feels horrible and the Disability Justice Collective event is a picnic – I don't want to be outside unless I can lie in the sun and close my eyes, which I'm sure would be appropriate for a sweet and supportive event centering around the needs of people with disabilities, but I'd rather just lie in the sun by myself, or with one or two other people. Sitting around and trying to socialize just sounds overwhelming. I'm sure it will be overwhelming for some of the other people in attendance, but I'm not sure whether that will help.

Last night I went to wonderfully-organized, sweet, intimate, and low-key event, but as soon as I got there I was already too exhausted to be in a public space. I couldn't really appreciate it – all I could think was how am I ever going to get home? Then I got home, and I felt so over-exhausted that I wondered if I should ever go to an event in public again. Now here I am, wondering the same thing, wondering and getting ready, anyway. Maybe if it would just rain – although, that didn't work yesterday. We have those pounding thunderstorms, and then it stayed humid. But what will I do if I stay here? I just did a feldenkrais lesson – when I finished I felt so amazing and clear, but that only lasted for about 20 minutes. Now my whole body hurts again, especially my jaw, and I can't believe I need to eat again, I mean I can believe it, but it's always so annoying when it just makes me feel awful, so many different kinds of awful, what's next?

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