Saturday, August 18, 2012

And I love it

Everyone's sitting on sofas now but the music’s still going and if I let my eyes flutter a little I can imagine we’re back at the club, not the Loft because there's nowhere really to sit, maybe downstairs at Quest. John B says that sweater is fierce, and I can't tell whether she's being shady. She’s always shady. I go back in my room and take out the other two hits of ecstasy, put one in my mouth and go in the living room for orange juice. Abby’s in the corner with Traci Lords, doing another bump. Abby, I say, I just did another hit of X. I love you, Abby says, eyes closed like she's watching TV behind her head and the room suddenly feels lighter, yes the vitamin C and this music, yes this music even if I'm the only one dancing but wait, is that really Michael Sheehan on our sofa? I'm petting the sofa and saying Michael Sheehan, I love this music and Michael asks me something about what K feels like.

Someone, give Michael Sheehan of bump of K!

Sean says Michael Sheehan doesn't do drugs – really? What is it like to hang out with all of us? Michael's laughing and I'm petting the sofa and then I have an idea — wait a second, if we go into Abby's room we can climb out onto the roof and watch the sunrise. Oh, this orange juice is amazing – Sean, let’s get the candy and go out on the roof!

The roof?

Yes, the roof.

So then there we are in Abby's room climbing out the window to sit outside in the sun and yes the light in my eyes oh I love this light – first it's just me, Sean, and Billy, and then somehow Abby shows up with everyone else and we’re crowded out there in the light my eyes rolling back and I don't think I've ever seen our landlord before but somehow just at that moment she decides to show up, I mean I guess she and her girlfriend supposedly live downstairs but I've never seen them and at first I'm thinking oh no, a bunch of drugged-out faggots on the roof, this is the end, but she just looks up and says a beautiful day, isn't it? And we’re all nodding our heads – beautiful, yes, a beautiful day.

So then I lean back and close my eyes and suddenly everything is shooting up into my head and I don't even know what everyone else is saying or doing, I mean I can hear their voices but it's all going so fast and then when I open my eyes I realize Abby's holding my hand and Sean is talking to us, something about how everyone just left and somehow that's the funniest thing I've ever heard, how long has it been, maybe hours or days or weeks or years and Abby’s petting my sweater and Sean is gritting her teeth but smiling too and then I look at Abby and she still has her eyes closed and I can feel the texture of the roof kind of grinding into my skin but it doesn't matter, nothing matters except this feeling in my head and Sean hands me a glass of orange juice, really, I don't know, really, how did you get that here? On the roof? How did we get here, yes, how did we get here!

Just then I realize my mouth is awfully dry, so I take a sip and boom it's like the sun is suddenly in my eyes or I'm in the sun flying through the sky a landscape of rooftops, some are getting lighter and some darker and some brighter and sometimes part of a tree moves just slightly and look, I say, look, that tree is alive! Abby still has her eyes closed — beautiful, she says, beautiful. Sean starts laughing and now we've all got our eyes closed but then I start to picture all of us falling off to the cement down below and yes, I think that would hurt. So when we get inside it's almost like one motion – Abby taps some K onto her dresser and Sean some coke and then they blend it together and I wonder how long this has been going on, what have I been missing, and Sean says you did another hit of X, right, and I nod my head, and he says do you want some CK One and bitch that's brilliant, I start twirling around in the room but where's the music?

They do their lines and I'm still trying to figure out whether I need anything, I guess not yet, maybe some K but I don't want coke to mess with the X I mean I'm already chewing on my tongue and let's go downstairs. Yes, Michael Sheehan left the tape in the boombox I can hardly believe it and now we have the whole downstairs to ourselves, Abby starts shaking her body and making cat noises, where did you get all that energy, oh, I know, and is this really our house? There’s the candy in the middle of the floor – maybe I'll try some licorice, oh no it takes too long to chew and Sean’s choking just looking at me: Mattilda, the expression on your face, and Abby says something about needing to go to work soon




Sean takes a look at his vial, still half-full – okay, I'll drive, he says.

Yes, let's all go together. But first I need to take a shower—wait, did I already take a shower? Abby, do you need the bathroom?

Mattilda, it's yours.

What's in the boombox in the bathroom – Moby, I forgot how much I love this album – this water – oh the rain the rain the rain on my skin in my face in my hair dripping colors on my face and the music telling me I’m feeling so real, I'm feeling so real — and sure I know this real really isn't so real at all but I can forget while I'm rubbing my chest my legs and that feeling in my head and someone's knocking at the door, come in!

Sean comes in and sits at the vanity: Want a bump? Sure. I lean my head out of the shower and Sean says have some coke and a smile. Oh my God it burns, why did I just do that coke? How come you're doing it in here? I don't want to give Billy any.

I walk downstairs in my robe and now I'm too wired. Abby’s standing in the middle of the living room and shaking her head back and forth, still making cat sounds, why did I do that coke?

I go in my room and get my zeppelin, come back in the living room – shit, I need to bring back the X. Billy’s suddenly sitting next to me: I want some. So then we’re passing it around, five or six hits and I'm getting the diagonal feeling in my head again, yes, but I don't want to crash so I go in my room and get the other hit, I know I was supposed to be saving this for a while but whatever. Abby, do you want some orange juice? I tap a little bit of the capsule into the juice and take a sip: magic. Pass it around, I say, there's something special in it. Special, Sean says – what's special? Oh. Billy says: I like special. Gabby mumbles it. How is she going to work?

I look at the clock — who cares, I love this day and yes it will all fall apart but soon enough we’re floating over the Mass Ave Bridge and yes the sun is too bright now but all you have to do is let your eyelids flicker and you can see the water zooming into the sky it's my favorite ride and then we’re going back over again. I'm cheering and Billy's yelling fierce and Abby’s eyes are closed and when we drop her off she looks sad: Come visit, okay?

Of course! Give me a kiss – honey, there's something on your nose. Sean parks the car and yes, there’s Andrea again so I'm blowing kisses and Billy says who's Andrea?

Andrea, I say – pointing at the John Hancock Tower.

You're crazy.

And I love it.

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