Sunday, August 19, 2012

Can't we stay in the garden

Back up those escalators, I'm so glad to be back! Except now people are rushing around and it's kind of overwhelming until we get to the garden, oh all these beautiful plants I'm touching the petals to see which are the softest oh look at the lilies I love these orange lilies but really orange lilies have yellow and red and peach and pink and even a tiny bit of green inside but what about the red ones with orange and white — oh, and pink ones with white stripes and magenta dots but still yellow at the tips of the stamen, that's what those are called, right, the pollen parts? And oh, when you touch the magenta dots they're kind of raised up like little bumps, weird, what do you think that means?

These lilies feel like velvet although the new buds feel like plastic, do you think the buds are real? Usually I don't like the smell of lilies but these don't smell at all and what about these purple flowers that already look dried out, stattice, is that what they're called like crumply little mountains in your hands and look at those blue carnations they can't be real but oh so so soft is that why people like carnations, not just because they're cheap but what about the droopy Gerbera daisies with plastic holding them up straight kind of like a cartoon in pink, red, yellow, orange— Gerbera daisies Gerbera daisies Gerbera daisies it's kind of hard to say and those roses look sad except the peach ones – oh, yellow, look at the yellow I like the yellow so soft and bright at the same time. Roses kind of feel like tissue paper but oh no, don't blow your nose on a rose that would be allergy drama and ouch, these bright purple flowers that look like pom-poms are actually prickly and these orchids are fun to look at but they kind of feel fake even though they're in soil or not soil but rocks and then their roots grow out like they're looking for the sun too and maybe those roots are fake too although would they make fake roots?

Oh — and the bonsai trees so cute I love bonsai trees curling around like the beginning in the end yes let's have both and what about that little house on the tree, are there people in that tree house I can't tell. Would I like to live in a house like that on a bonsai tree, I don't think so but maybe for a little while if there's a nice view.

Wait, I never realized the leaves of these red flowers that my grandmother used to have in her window boxes, what are they called? Geraniums – the leaves, you wouldn't imagine it because they don't look like much but oh, they're almost as soft as the lilies, velvet pants but so light it's like you're wearing air a pair of geranium leaf velvet pants but not this color maybe the color of those lilies but I never realized the yellow part at the center of these white daisies would be so hard, you could hurt someone with the center of these daisies but what are these puffy pink flowers kind of like mums but more delicate except when you touch them they bounce right back like sponges with a little water that spurts out and oh I love this game it's so much fun but why does Billy keep poking me and pulling my arm and laughing until he says Mattilda, we have to go!

Why? I love this garden! It's not a garden, Mattilda—this is a flower shop. A flower shop. Oh, a flower shop. That's why that woman keeps smiling at me, I just thought she was looking at the garden too. Should I get something? I need to get something for Abby.

I pick out the biggest pink Gerbera daisy, I mean the one with the longest stem and the woman working there says I like your earrings, thank you, and then Billy drags me away, she wants to get something in the food court. I feel like a little kid, can’t we just stay in the garden?

Oh, the food court — should I get something here too? I don't know if I'm hungry. Maybe a juice, do they have juice? Where's Sean? She's in the bathroom. Oh, the bathroom – I'll be right back.

Oh I love this bathroom — it's so, white! There's Sean staring in the mirror, doing her hair. How long have I been here, she asks, still staring in the mirror. I don't know. My name is Seansè, she says. Oh hi, Seansè — your hair looks nice. I look in the mirror — yes, my eyes, yes! Someone's behind us — oh, do you need to use the sink? We love it here. Seansè, I'm going to go out and get a juice, do you want a juice? But wait — I don't even know if they have juice. Juicy. Oh, I love this mirror — let's just stay here. I can't believe I did three hits of ecstasy. Do you think I'll be okay? Thank you for the juice, Mattilda. Do they have juice? The orange juice. Oh, the orange juice. Let's get orange juice. Do you want to go outside together? I don't know if I can handle it alone.

Back into the food court and what on earth is Billy eating, something disgusting – where did you go, she asks with big eyes, but she's just worried we did more drugs without her. My head is racing now, did I do another bump with Sean? There's too much going on in here – can we go across the street to visit Abby? Oh, wait — there's the juice bar — carrot, they even have carrot – oh, yes, extra-large, please extra-large, do you have ginger? No ginger. Parsley?

Back down those escalators and outside it’s so bright I can feel my eyes jumping out and yes, I love this juice, I love it out here and then upstairs into the store oh I love this store, why don't I come here more often? Everything by the counter is Priscilla Priscilla Priscilla but I do like these colors, maybe she's not as bad as I thought she was, although she sure needs a lot of lube and DVDs and postcards — I thought this was a bookstore, I keep saying, I thought this was a bookstore!

Is that really a book about Ab Fab? Oh – I did want to read this book by Esther Newton about Cherry Grove, but not now the words are just spinning around at me. Neil Jordan, did he write The Crying Game? Sean and Billy go in the back to look at porn, but where's Abby – there are customers around, but there’s no one behind the counter.

Just then I hear a snorting sound and Abby jumps up from behind the counter – girl, you did not just do that! I hand her the flower and she starts waving it like a magic wand – oh Mattilda, it matches my outfit. And she's right, it does, it does. What's that Guides to Bodily Fluids—oh, it's a RE Search publication, like Angry Women. And is this really Foucault at the front counter—I need some lube with my Foucault and Gay Europe and the new Herb Ritts book, please. But, wait – what's this music? I love this music! Mattilda, it's the Pet Shop Boys. You hate the Pet Shop Boys. Maybe I was wrong. But what's this? Safer Sexy? I don't know, I just sell Elbow Grease. Can I borrow your makeup, I say.

Sure, Mattilda, she says, and hands me her vial. I head to the bathroom and do a couple bumps – oh, that's what I needed. Everything is slower now. My hair looks perfect, even brighter than before. This sweater is so soft. I sit on the toilet and nothing comes out, but it feels good to put my hands under my sweater, rub my thighs—suddenly I just want to hold someone, I guess this is why people like to have sex on X. My eyes are closed, but there's a lot going on anyway, and then when I start to stand up it's like I can suddenly see the floor on the wall, that's kind of nice, but wait, I never realized there were two people dancing on the toilet paper, yes on every square, dancing but sometimes the leg or the arms or the torso is cut off, wait let me take some of this outside and yes, when I open the door to walk down the hall my feet sink into the ground, yes, slow it down, turn around, lost and found.

Back at the counter, Abby’s ringing up someone's postcards and an Eros Guide. Thank you for shopping at Glad Day, she says. I hand her the vial – thank you, just what I needed. I want some of that, Billy whines, and Abby taps some on the counter, good move because otherwise Billy would do the whole thing but she looks startled – not here, she says, and Abby ducks down behind the counter. Yours or mine, I say, and Billy looks both ways and then leans over. When she stands up she's smiling and I notice that she must've just plucked her eyebrows. And, when did she bleach her hair again, no roots! Why is she wearing that baseball cap? Why would anyone wear a baseball cap? Her eyes are so blue, when did they get so blue, not blue like eyes but blue like, blue like what? Wait, colored contacts! I brought you something, she says, and hands me a magazine.

Thrust. What do you think it means? For men in heat to beat their meat, Billy reads, and someone in the store laughs. Are you beating your meat, I say, but he doesn't respond.

I open the magazine and there's a Cowboys and Indians spread – oh, no. Billy hands me another: Stroke. Sex with a cop – gross, but his dick is kind of hot— wait, not a cop! I pick up Safer Sexy. Oh, it's pictures of couples having sex on black backgrounds with slogans like "Men Who Love Men Love to Protect Them" and "SLIP on a condom SLAP on some lube SLAM his arse-hole”

Arse-hole, Billy says, and starts laughing. Slam his arse-hole.

"INVEST IN A QUEER FUTURE – BUY RUBBER!,” With a picture of a guy in an Outrage! T-shirt holding his cock in a condom, I want to suck him off. Now. Maybe in the bathroom? And then "LOVE OR LUST – Whatever your preference keep it risk free." I love this book.

Sean’s starting to get impatient, so I hand him a square of toilet paper. Look, I say, two people dancing. Look. And Abby says thank you for your purchases, ladies, and puts Safer Sexy in a bag. Thank you for the flower, Abby says—I'll see you at home, and then she ducks back down for another bump, I can't believe she does it like that at work, and then she jumps back up like a monkey in a box wait not a monkey, what is it that jumps up like that, all moral, whack a mole, and then Abby wait a second, do you need to go to the bathroom, and hands me the vial again, do I need to go to the bathroom, I mean sure, I do a whole capful because I can feel myself getting edgy again, I really shouldn't have done three hits of X but then we’re on Boylston and I can't figure out which way we should go.

Oh, there's Andrea so we start walking in her direction. Billy and I are holding hands so we can walk and Sean says did you do more K—oh! I need. More K! So then she rushes back to the store while we wait in Copley Square. It seems like a while but it might just be a few minutes, I'm kind of sweating and kind of cold and

Billy says Mattilda, you're doing that thing with your mouth. Oh. And your eyes, where are your eyes? Oh.

Sean wants to go to Moka, okay, and when we start walking suddenly there's a gust of wind and everything is so bright, my feet sinking into the ground it's a good thing we’re holding hands because I can't tell which way the cars are going they’re so fast I'm sweating too much I hate sweating and maybe if I close my eyes, okay, good thing I'm in the middle, this is the longest walk of my life but I'll make it, who's that yelling, why so much noise, do you think we’re close, how much further, is there somewhere else we can go, can’t we just sit down here, are you sure this is the right way, oh, Neiman Marcus, oh, how far is that, it's right there and inside everything is buzzing I walk down the steps so many steps I don't remember these steps could there really be this many steps and then I fall right into a black hole.

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