Sunday, August 26, 2012

Uncommon clout

Yes, here I am doing business in the exclusive Copley Place—if my glamorous office faced the atrium, I might be able to watch the entrance to Neiman Marcus, can you imagine? But, instead, yes it's true, I only have a little cubicle next to another cubicle, facing another cubicle, facing, well, facing me, I guess. My highly sought-after job consists of making crank calls for the Uncommon Clout Visa Card — you know, the card that gives back to the gay and lesbian community. With every purchase — and, when I say gives back, honey, I do mean gives back!

That's right—every time you use your Uncommon Clout Visa card, we make a donation of 10 cents to the nonprofit of your choice. Ten cents, honey — that nonprofit is going to be rolling in it before you can even click your diamond-encrusted ruby slippers and say there's no place like Neiman Marcus, there's no place like Neiman Marcus. You'll just be using that card, honey, using that card and saving our gay children 10 cents at a time. And now, you don't even have to call 1-800 GAY CLOUT today because you’ve got this bitch on the phone to set you up with the debt bondage you’ve been looking for.

Yes, I know that gay clout is 8 letters and your standard phone number is only seven, but GAY CLOT just wouldn't be as catchy, right? Plus, there’s absolutely no annual fee, a low 9.9% APR for your first six months, credit lines of up to $25,000—and, you can request an additional free card for your domestic partner or anyone else you want to authorize to use your account. Yes, even your domesticated French poodle! If just a few hundred thousand people use this card regularly, we can truly make a difference by supporting worthless institutions and businesses that happen to call themselves gay or gay-friendly.

Oh, no — there's no pressure at all, I'll just sign you up, and then you can cancel when you get your balance up to $24,999. I'm not working for the collectors, honey, all I need is your name, address, and Social Security number. Or actually, if you want, you can just give me your abusive father’s name, address, and Social Security number, and we’ll go with that. We here at Uncommon Clout are nothing if not flexible and I would like my two-dollar commission. Talk about a shopping spree!

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