Monday, September 03, 2012

Beyond and then a window


You didn't tell me we were going into this clothing store — the whole thing is like a k-hole, do you think they designed it that way? No, don't do that thing with your hands, no! Back on the T, will we ever get off the T and Sean is saying something and waving his hands and I know I did that big bump in the bathroom but I didn't expect this to happen I mean we're sitting on the T and I'm worried this water is going to fall out of my hands and I'm going to shit on the floor, will people notice?

            No, I’m on the toilet.  Put the water down. I don't know how long I've been in here because everything is going too fast, entire parts of my life zooming by and I look out of the stall but it's not a stall I mean we're on the T, right, and I can't see anything except a greyish black.

            Am I shitting on the T?  All the energy in my head is going up, up, up, and I'm on the T and in the bathroom and at the Loft and Sean is saying something but I can't get up, can't stop the rush to my head, how did this happen to me?  People from all different periods of my life are talking to me, in different rooms that appear in front of me like a slideshow no wait those are the doors to the T, these are the people on the T but there's the burgundy room with those ominous light fixtures, the forest green room with hard carpet, the orange room with sunlight to bright through the vertical blinds and then I'm alone. 

            All the energy in my head is going up and down at the same time, spreading me out, and I'm shitting into the toilet I think, got to wipe, is anyone waiting?  No one.  And then I'm somewhere else again, I don't know where except I know I'm dying, how did this happen?  I'm not ready to die, but I know I have to relax into it, I can feel the energy in my body dispersing into the air and it will be better if I relax.  Death is better if you relax.

            Then I'm back, how can I get out of this bathroom?  How could I be this high?  Then my head's gone again and if I survive, will I ever be able to explain this?  The rooms are checker-board then cement, one's an underground cave and I'm sprawled on the floor in tones of red, indigo, chrome like a fashion spread only this is deep relaxed panicking fear my body vibrating, everything vibrating, I'm vibrating with everything and it's all me. 

            I pull myself out, deep breath, I've got to remember to breathe, deep breath.  I'm going to be fine; I stand up, finish wiping, and then I almost can't move again but I push myself out of the bathroom, over to Sean who’s looking kind of agitated, oh the Someday Cafe, and she holds out her hand, I hand her the vial and say watch out, I think I did too much, and then everything's going up and down and outward but I'm still, the room is cavernous and dense.  The music fades in and out-- someone's turning the lights up and down, which is brilliant, but where am I again? I understand now how William Burroughs wrote so much about drugs as windows into the beyond.  Except for me, I'm beyond and then a window comes and for a second I'm back, oh there's Sean at the table, does he know how high I am? Oh he’s smiling, so sweet, patting my back which brings me back to the room, I can feel each individual vertebrae moving and I'm okay now, I'm at the Someday Cafe, Sean must be a massage therapist, how his touch brought me back. 

 

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