Wednesday, September 19, 2012

What are you


But now Sean's on the phone: okay, I guess I can go to Sporters without drinking — I do like Adam who’s the bartender. We bonded this one time when some drunk leaned over the bar and yelled: What the fuck are you?

Excuse me, Adam said.

Are you black, or are you white, this mess asked, and Adam said I'm black and white, with red all over, but if you ask me that again then you'll be the one who's read, and I thought that was the best line because was she talking about making that bitch red or reading her? Both, I'm sure, because Adam is pretty clever, but, in any case, soon after that Sean, Billy, Abby and I were the only drunk messes left and then Adam started pouring shots and said this round is on me, which was pretty hilarious because every round is on her, right? I mean don't worry, we know how to tip, at least a dollar per drink — one time she started counting out the tips to pay for a round of our drinks and I said no, don't do that, that's for you, honey!

But now whenever we get there, I look Adam up and down and say what the fuck are you? And he says: what the fuck are you? And I say: what the fuck are you?

Sometimes we like to go further, and everyone else gets impatient because they want cocktails, but honey, this is fun, right, let's have fun with our cocktails, okay?

I’m a Cheeto with the cheese missing.

No, bitch, I'm a Dorito at the Tostito factory.

I'm an Oreo without the stuffing.

I'm the stuffing without an Oreo. Polly want a cracker?

If I wanted a cracker I'd be at Store 24.

Honey, it's just down the street.

Bitch, speaking of crackers, what do you want to drink?

So Sporters, all right, sure, I'll drive. Beacon Hill, here we go. Who knows where Billy is this time, so it's just me, Abby and Sean. Kind of better that way. Adam thinks it's funny that I'm not drinking so he keeps piling up empty glasses around me and for a moment I start to wonder if he's flirting with me, at one point he actually leans over and whispers something in my ear but I can't hear him so I just smile and then the bar’s closing, see you next week. Then, of course, on our way back Sean keeps going on and on about how we have to drive by the block, we have to. If I see anyone I know, she says, I'll make a whole lot of noise.

What you talking about, I say —you've been hanging out with Madison all the time now, and didn't you say she was a hooker? And Sean starts to tell me Madison never worked the block, he found other ways to do it. And I say what's the difference and she says Mattilda, my parents are rich. And I say that's your problem — you grew up with it, and you haven't gotten over it. And then I get really angry and I stop the car in the middle of Newberry Street and yell I can't deal with your classist shit! And then I slam the door and storm away.

I don't know where the hell I'm going, but I'm going really fast. I'm almost at Copley Square, bolting toward Andrea but then I realize I'm leaving Abby in the car and she didn't do anything so I go back and they're both still in the car so I say sorry, Abby — Sean, where do you want to be dropped off?

It's moments like these when I wonder why I stopped smoking, but anyway we go to Sean's dorm and sort of end up talking outside, I'm telling her she always puts on such airs, says all these tired shady things, talking about Billy being on welfare, what's wrong with welfare? How she would never, ever, ever work the block, how it's dirty and degrading. And then at Avalon she walks around like some superstar because all the stupidest pompous pointless assholes will talk to her because she looks like some preppy little kid.

Sean says it isn’t classism, it's just how she talks and she doesn't mean it, and I say I believe you don't mean it but that's not how it sounds. And it hurts people — I just want you to think about it, okay? I really like you and I value our friendship and the adventures we have together, and that's why I'm angry. I know it's something ingrained in you, but I just want you to think about it. Sean says okay, and then I ask him if he wants a hug, so we hug goodbye and then Abby and I head home, what a night.

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