Next time

Melissa calls me to say that she finally moved out, she's living with Miriam on Church Street but she still feels scared. And then she says: I keep wanting it to happen again, my whole body wants it. I don't want this body.

In therapy, I'm talking about relaxation and calm, how I've always been afraid of those states but maybe that's starting to change, and Barry says why do you think you've been afraid, and right then I get that scared feeling like I'm a little kid, I look down at the corner of the armchair cushion but I can't say anything, I keep trying to look up but it's like my head is stuck. Finally, I say I was always afraid that if I relaxed then my father would rape me, still I'm talking to the cushion and when I finally get myself to look up I look at Barry and is he crying?

I look back at the shadow in the corner of the armchair, remembering to breathe but something has changed in the room, is that my father in the therapist’s chair, don't look, don't look up, don't look up at his face. Instead I look at his shoes, oxfords with laces, oh my father never wore shoes like that but I'm still looking into the corner of the armchair.

Lately it seems like Abby is working all the time, working or getting ready for work, now that I guess she has a pimp or something, it's the same guy who gives her coke for sex and it's true that now she never runs out of coke. She’s on some mysterious trip with him for three days, and I'm lonely, although tonight when she gets back we’re getting ecstasy for the first time in a while, I mean there was a shortage a month ago because someone got arrested, and that's when everyone started doing coke again, and no one's really gone back, but Juniper says she got some really good stuff, the real thing, the best, it's pure.

I get a trick at the Chandler Inn who calls himself Doug the Piano Player. He's a big fat guy with bleached blonde hair and he's so friendly that it's almost like he's on ecstasy except he's hard. I lick his nipples and jerk him off while he pets me and says oh, you're so nice, so sensual, oh, thank you, oh, thank you, oh, thank you so much. Afterwards I hug him and it feels nice, like I've done something worthwhile.

Outside I end up getting wired to hell, not sure why so I walk down Newberry Street but I don't run into anyone, I'm not really in the mood for The Other Side or Trident or anywhere else I can think of so I end up on Boylston and some kids are commenting on my hair, one of them says what do you do?

I'm a hustler.

What do you hustle?

I'm a whore.

At that, they get kind of excited – we've never met anyone like you. Do you have AIDS? Do you have condoms? Are there lots of people like you around here? Do you fuck guys in the ass? Do you stick them in the ass? How much do you charge? How old are you? Will you buy liquor for us? Do you fuck girls? When you have a boyfriend, do you still do this? What if a girl offered you a lot of money? What do you do all day? What's in your bag? What kinds of drugs do you do?

Okay, now I'm ready to go home. Abby’s there when I get back, and she doesn't seem as coked out as I thought she would be. She's actually kind of in a good mood. I'm making parsley garlic fettuccine, and she says she wants some. Really – you're going to eat? When the food’s ready, we sit down and it almost feels like we’re a couple. Are we a couple? How was your day at work, I joke. And she says: How was your day at work?

And then she says: I’ve decided to visit the cult.

Me too.

No, I'm serious.

Really? Why?

I don't know. I want to see my sister.

Can’t she come here, like she did last time?

They won't let her. I'm worried.

When do you think you're going to go?

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow— are you serious?

Yeah, I bought a ticket. I figured I had the money, when would I have the money again?

Do you still want to go out tonight?

Of course.

Are you sure? What time is your flight?

2 pm.

That's early.

Not too early for me to miss doing X with you.

What time are we supposed to go over there?

Midnight.

When are you going to sleep?

I slept a lot last night. 12 hours. We took Valium. A lot of Valium.

Did you save some for me?

Next time, Mattilda.