Sunday, January 20, 2013

To hell

Juniper comes out with the little glittery ecstasy box, waving it in her hand like celebrity is here, a round of applause for celebrity. Then she opens it up, takes out a capsule, pulls it open and somehow Sage is there with a mirror to catch it, Lisa sweeps it into five small lines and I'm looking at Abby like is this really happening but she's got her eyes closed, nodding to the beat. Juniper hands me a purple straw and says ladies first and oh yes oh yes oh yes honey I didn't expect it to burn I mean I know it's a waste to snort ecstasy but what an amazing waste and Abby shakes her head no, I’m fine — that’s a first — and then I can't help staring at the last line until Juniper hands the straw back to me.

Are you sure?

Oh. Honey. It's. The least. We could do. We invited you over. And then abandoned you.

But honey, the music was incredible. You're incredible.

And then it's time for the left nostril, this might be the best moment of my life as Sage hands me my Kool-Aid and I drink the rest and then walk towards the bathroom and go right to the sink, stare at myself in the mirror – honey, my eyes are gone. Then I'm trying to piss and someone's knocking – Lisa, come in. Oh, forget it, I can't piss, let’s go. Back in the living room Juniper is waving around some sparkly thing and Abby’s twirling around with her eyes closed and yes, here it comes again, “X, X, X — trava — ganza.”

Have you seen this, Sage says, and she starts bouncing some kind of glow-in-the-dark ball that lights up every time it hits the ground and honey, this is too good, and there’s the vocal slowing, slowing, slowing down until it stops for good and Juniper comes in and everyone's so tall, I'm feeling left out but Sage says don't worry, at least you can walk.

And walk.

And, walk.

Down the stairs in a hurry and out into the night air, oh the air, you didn't tell me about the air, and there's no one around. I take Abby's hand because she looks a little scared, are you okay?

Where are we going?

To the Loft.

Are you sure?

Where do you want to go?

I don't know.

But yes I'm dancing now, dancing in the street because I can still hear the music the way the deepest part of the night becomes a game for your eyes in the sky and we are walking. We are walking and walking and walking, turn, yes, turn, up in the air, twirl around for street signs, street lights, yes the buildings the cars, only a few, even that guy up ahead who’s staring like what you doing out? What are you doing out? And wait, stop, I can't believe how close it is —oh, the buildings, I love these buildings, the way someone arranged them like toys, I never noticed that before.

Somehow Juniper and Sage are already down at the doorway to the Loft and the rest of us are all back by the street and Sage comes running up in excitement and Juniper says Sean was right, there's a padlock on the door. I just had to know. I just had to know if Sean was right.

Abby’s shivering and I realize I'm freezing too, should we go home?

Wait a second, I say, wait a second. And I turn around to look up. We all turn around, and there she is, Andrea, there she is in all her sparkling glamour. Lisa says who? Andrea, I say, and point. And she says: Oh. Andrea. Of course. She's beautiful.

Not as beautiful as you.

And here's a taxi, just like that, we open the door and it smells like cinnamon, peppermint, vomit, Pine-Sol, no don't notice that part — cinnamon, peppermint, oh, this is nice, the soft warm seats and then into the tunnel and Abby says I'm sorry I got so dramatic earlier. My eyes are closed and I reach over for her hand. She says it again: I'm sorry I got so dramatic.

Don't worry, I say, don't worry.

I don't believe in hell, she says. But sometimes.

When we get home — oh, this is great, who lives here?

Mattilda, we live here.

Oh, right, I love it. Let's put on some music.

Mattilda, I'm going to try to go to bed.

Oh, bed, oh.

I'm setting my alarm for noon, but don't let it wake you.

Sleep? I don't even know if I'm going to sleep.

Then I'll see you in the morning, when I get ready to go.

Where are you going?

To hell.


Just kidding – you know, to visit my parents.


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