Friday, February 01, 2013

Right here

Walking out of the theater so fast down Comm. Ave I feel like Jenny, fleeing or trying to over the violence so fast that everything’s blurry and where my going, maybe I should go to South Station and get on a train and go somewhere, anywhere, no not New York, where? I don't know. Somewhere else.

Now I'm at the beginning of the fancy houses and I realize wait, I need to call JoAnne, that's what I need to do, I can't believe how much has happened today, I really need to call JoAnne before it's too late and it's almost 10:30 on the West Coast, right, so I hail a cab and then when I get home it's 10:45 I mean 7:45 and JoAnne’s mother answers and says she's already asleep.

I guess I sound pretty disappointed, because then her mother asks: Are you okay? And then, while I'm trying not to start sobbing again, she says: You know, JoAnne really appreciates those vitamins.

And then my eyes sparkle for a minute and I feel like a little kid. So then I call Melissa and I'm so excited when she answers. Melissa, I say. I'm a total mess — I just went to see this movie, Kids, have you seen it? Oh, it was horrible, it was so horrible, I mean it ended with some teenager raping this girl while she's asleep, all these kids beating up on this one black guy in the park, two girls kissing each other for truth or dare in a swimming pool while these guys watch, the only fags in the movie were just walking by while these guys yell faggot and the movie was about AIDS, do you see what I mean?

And Melissa says Mattilda, you're speaking too fast.

And then I just start crying, sobbing actually and saying Melissa, it was awful, I mean it was about AIDS  but it wasn't about AIDS, he doesn't care about AIDS. No one cares about AIDS. I'm sick of AIDS. He was just using it.

And Melissa says Mattilda, are you high?

And I say no, no I'm not high, I'm not high at all. It's just that a lot has happened today, I mean I did do some coke earlier but that was hours ago.

And Melissa says Mattilda, you need you to call me back when you're not high.

And I don't know what to say. Before there was so much, and now there is so little. So I get off the phone without even telling her what really happened. And then I get angry, really angry — Melissa hasn't ever done drugs, any drugs, not even pot. I'm not high just because I did a few bumps of coke four fucking hours ago and dammit I need to eat something, what is there to eat?

Oh, I can't wait for this water to boil for pasta, I'm so fucking hungry. Maybe a spinach salad — oh, there's no spinach. What the fuck am I going to do? Suddenly I'm so lonely I can hardly speak. I even think of calling Michael, my trick in Arlington – you know, because he mentioned he used to hire that hustler who was a crack addict, and then the hustler would show up in the middle of the night, and I remember thinking it was kind of touching when Michael said he understood. Maybe he'll understand me. But that's ridiculous, I have coke right here, yes, that's what I need while I'm waiting for this water to boil, this fucking water, what is taking this water so long?

Okay, I'll just do the rest in this vial, two big lines, oh my, yes, just what I needed to open my eyes, to get me ready for whatever I'm getting ready for, right? What am I getting ready for?

Oh, I have a page, yes, a page, perfect.

He wants to know where I'm from. They always want to know that. They don't mean DC. If I say DC then he'll say what's your ethnic background? Way back in the day I remember saying Russian Jewish, and some guy thought that was really hot, but then I got there and he kept saying you don't look Jewish, are you sure you’re Jewish?

And then some other guy, who kept saying Russian and Jewish, what a combination. What a combination. Like pretty much every Jew in the US isn’t Russian. Anyway, now I just say Russian German, skip the Jewish part because they're too stupid and then sometimes they decide I'm British or Scottish or Irish— am I really that pale? I mean I guess I am that pale. Anyway, this guy sounds fine, I tell him I'm just waiting for my dinner, is an hour okay, and he thinks that's funny, I'm not sure which part but he says take your time. So then I figure I'll spare myself the pain of waiting for East Boston Cab, I mean right after that movie the keys sounded like the most horrible thing in the world but now I'm actually feeling it. Yes, honey, runway is in the cards.


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