Saturday, March 23, 2013

From the distance

I’m starting to get really irritated about the fact that so many people refuse to say hello on the street. Especially the gay couples who stare at me from the distance, but then refused to make eye contact up close. Singles too. There was a really nice guy right at the beginning of my walk, I mean nice because he smiled and said hi and that’s all it takes but then there were maybe seven or eight or nine people after that who refused to acknowledge and I just got irritated.

Also I’m irritated by how horrible I feel, now it’s sinking into depression and I think that’s mostly because I have to avoid the light and the light is what keeps me from sinking into depression. I mean I still go on walks, but I’m always wearing sunglasses, and it doesn’t feel the same; it doesn’t have the same impact on my mood, unfortunately.

And then there’s my sleep, a disaster, or actually I sleep pretty deeply but there’s the bloating the whole time, more constant now I mean it’s always present and I don’t even want to talk about the bloating. What did I want to talk about? Something about therapy and how at the end I noticed how separate my body and mind felt. Like there’s someone talking, and that’s me, and then there’s me at 12, feeling like my life is over, like I’m trapped, like I hate everything, like no one will ever help, I’ll never feel any connection, and saying that now is a little eerie because at the time I just thought oh, this familiar place that I go in therapy, but now I’m realizing that emotionally I feel a bit like that now. Frustrated that it’s so difficult in Seattle to find people who actually call back, or to find friends that don’t just feel occasional. Maybe that’s everywhere, maybe people don’t communicate in the daily or dailyish way that I prefer, don’t communicate that way anymore except online and I don’t do that at all, not for personal communication, it just makes me feel more distant.

So exhausted, and that’s the problem. I woke up too early, and then I got up too early because why stay in that if I just feel awful? Except, now I feel worse. But anyway, back to therapy and there was me, the voice speaking from my head, me at 12, and then me at four, silenced, hearing don’t talk don’t talk to talk, and that’s my jaw now, even when it’s relaxed there’s still a clenching internally and when I went to the dentist and he said he couldn’t do any work on me because my jaw was too tense, I needed to see someone about TMJ first, and not just brings me all the way back to the beginning of 2001 when I went to a TMJ specialist and he said oh, you have TMJ, you have fibromyalgia. The diagnosis for fibromyalgia is just pressing all these different points in your body that I guess are not supposed to hurt and then they all hurt and so they say oh, fibromyalgia. Now those points don’t hurt as much, and I’d like to celebrate that, maybe, but nothing feels better overall. Just more problems, and I’m trying to function, and I hate it.

3 comments:

dorsey said...

ooh i hate that thing were people won't even smile at you on the street! i live in boston now, and um, hello...

but speaking of not saying hi - i love your books and anthologies (pulling taffy's my fav right now) and read your blog a lot too, and now that i'm sort of manic i'd like to take advantage of the opportunity to say "hello!" and "thank you!"

also, this describes my winter/life way too perfectly: "Frustrated that it’s so difficult in Seattle to find people who actually call back, or to find friends that don’t just feel occasional. Maybe that’s everywhere, maybe people don’t communicate in the daily or dailyish way that I prefer, don’t communicate that way anymore except online and I don’t do that at all, not for personal communication, it just makes me feel more distant."

especially when i'm depressed it's like, no one will reach out in person, and texting is fucking awful, and the internet is fucking awful, and no one i know responds anyway or communicates in any other way...i mean, have you tried leaving someone a voicemail nowadayz? HA

<3
dorsey

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Dorsey, thanks so much for this lovely note! I'm still a creature of the phone, so I leave voicemails all the time, and luckily I have a few friends who leave them back – but, Boston, yes, hello. Seattle is a lot different in many ways than Boston, but gay Seattle, on the other hand, is almost the same – here I don't think people know what I mean when I say that, but I know you do…

Thanks for saying hi!

Love –
mattilda

dorsey said...

Well yes, gay everywhere seems to be the same, what a disaster...luckily i've found some lovely queers here, but mostly it seems very transient - myself included.