I’m starting to get really irritated about the fact that so many people refuse to say hello on the street. Especially the gay couples who stare at me from the distance, but then refused to make eye contact up close. Singles too. There was a really nice guy right at the beginning of my walk, I mean nice because he smiled and said hi and that’s all it takes but then there were maybe seven or eight or nine people after that who refused to acknowledge and I just got irritated.
Also I’m irritated by how horrible I feel, now it’s sinking into depression and I think that’s mostly because I have to avoid the light and the light is what keeps me from sinking into depression. I mean I still go on walks, but I’m always wearing sunglasses, and it doesn’t feel the same; it doesn’t have the same impact on my mood, unfortunately.
And then there’s my sleep, a disaster, or actually I sleep pretty deeply but there’s the bloating the whole time, more constant now I mean it’s always present and I don’t even want to talk about the bloating. What did I want to talk about? Something about therapy and how at the end I noticed how separate my body and mind felt. Like there’s someone talking, and that’s me, and then there’s me at 12, feeling like my life is over, like I’m trapped, like I hate everything, like no one will ever help, I’ll never feel any connection, and saying that now is a little eerie because at the time I just thought oh, this familiar place that I go in therapy, but now I’m realizing that emotionally I feel a bit like that now. Frustrated that it’s so difficult in Seattle to find people who actually call back, or to find friends that don’t just feel occasional. Maybe that’s everywhere, maybe people don’t communicate in the daily or dailyish way that I prefer, don’t communicate that way anymore except online and I don’t do that at all, not for personal communication, it just makes me feel more distant.
So exhausted, and that’s the problem. I woke up too early, and then I got up too early because why stay in that if I just feel awful? Except, now I feel worse. But anyway, back to therapy and there was me, the voice speaking from my head, me at 12, and then me at four, silenced, hearing don’t talk don’t talk to talk, and that’s my jaw now, even when it’s relaxed there’s still a clenching internally and when I went to the dentist and he said he couldn’t do any work on me because my jaw was too tense, I needed to see someone about TMJ first, and not just brings me all the way back to the beginning of 2001 when I went to a TMJ specialist and he said oh, you have TMJ, you have fibromyalgia. The diagnosis for fibromyalgia is just pressing all these different points in your body that I guess are not supposed to hurt and then they all hurt and so they say oh, fibromyalgia. Now those points don’t hurt as much, and I’d like to celebrate that, maybe, but nothing feels better overall. Just more problems, and I’m trying to function, and I hate it.