Sunday, March 10, 2013

It helps to close my eyes

Trying to decide when to get up can be so complicated. Because when I wake up and look at the clock, 7:55, isn't that too early? Especially after the time change. Maybe I'm just wired. How many hours is that? Maybe seven, but I already forcde myself back to sleep once, so six, way too early but then when I try to fall back asleep it doesn't work and I start worrying I'm straining my eyes and that will make the headache worse when I eventually get up, and somehow I've become attached to getting up before nine, which sounds ridiculous because I didn't use to get up before 2 pm, that was only a few years ago, and now getting up after nine seems too late. Too late for what? I guess daylight, in Seattle it's important to get up earlier to see the daylight. Although now the daylight gives me a headache. But so does the night. Last night I went to a party, it was calm, a few people sitting in an apartment just a block from my house with a beautiful view and the lights were dim but still they were too much, I was trying to look at people without looking at the lights but it didn't work. I was trying to act calm like I wasn't worrying, but eventually there was too much worrying and then I left, which is okay, because it was the right time anyway, but maybe not for the reason I would have liked, and then I walked for a few blocks and the streetlights mostly didn't bother me, except for the really bright ones and then I tried walking with my eyes closed. I try that a lot now, it works okay in Seattle, there aren't that many people or obstructions in the way and anyway when there are people they don't say hello so maybe I should just try walking into them.

Now I'm sitting at the computer with my eyes closed, will that help to avoid the headache? Eventually I will have to open, to see if the voice activation software is making mistakes. I mean to see what mistakes the voice activation software is making. I have the newer version, but I can't decide whether I should update it because what if it's worse? Sometimes it's worse.

That wasn't too bad – I mean the mistakes. That's why I don't want to update the software, when it's actually working, and then I would have to follow all the screen prompts and that would mean opening my eyes and looking at the screen, right? I don't want to look at the screen, that's what triggers the headache the fastest I think. But how do I write without looking at the screen? It's working okay now, but eventually I want to go back to Sketchtasy, right? I mean I need to edit the book, continue it, get back into that mode that was so exciting. Now it makes me sad just thinking about it. Thinking about how far away I am now. Or maybe I'm just sad, that's what happened after I was lying in bed and then there was this overwhelming sadness and I didn't want to get up in that. It's so tricky, how everything can shift either way. Mostly the wrong way. Like when I'm getting an acupuncture treatment, and if the needles stay in just a few minutes too long then it wrecks me. Yesterday was the first time it didn't drain me, actually, that was the best treatment but that practitioner only works on Saturday mornings and Tuesday evenings and I can't go on Tuesday. I wonder if someone else could do that treatment, I mean I know they could do the same points but would it be the same? And, would it be the same, even if it was exactly the same, with the same practitioner and everything, considering I might not feel the same, right? These are the things I think about. I mean these are the things I have to think about.
It helps to close my eyes, it really does help to close my eyes. Right now I mean. Closing my eyes is helpful, that's something to note.

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