Friday, May 24, 2013


I don’t understand eating, I really don’t — it’s like I eat, and I feel horrible, but then a few minutes later I’m eating again. Not even thinking about it, just eating, and feeling horrible, trying to stop but unable because I’m hungry, or is this hunger, and what is hunger, and what is eating, and what would it feel like not to feel horrible whenever I eat, or right after. And how the moments when I feel best are generally when I’ve gone the longest without eating, but then that comes to an end so soon because I get frantic and hypoglycemic and I think that eating well-balanced my blood sugar, right? But it so rarely balances anything, and then the horrible bloating which has been worse since I’ve been back in Seattle, why? Maybe my bed is too soft, I mean I searched for this bed for literally years, something really soft but also supportive that didn’t outgas horrible chemicals right away or cave in within a few weeks and finally I found it, made in a unionized store/factory right in San Francisco and it’s the most expensive thing I’ve ever owned. I’ve had it for eight years now, and nothing has gone wrong except now I think it’s too soft, and that makes the bloating worse, the bloating and the clenching of my jaw so now I need something a bit firmer, but I can’t get rid of this bed that took me so long to find, but then if I put it in storage that will probably cost me at least $100 a month so, who knows, what the hell am I going to do?

But I was trying to write about eating, you see how I get easily distracted. Just thinking about it makes me exhausted, maybe it’s time for bed again, I slept forever last night and I feel horrible, kind of like I’m slipping into seasonal depression but it’s the end of May. Seasonal depression because I can’t get enough light into my eyes since I’m always wearing sunglasses and a sun hat to prevent the tragic migraine atrocity which is always lurking, especially here in Seattle, especially when I’m looking at the computer and writing, now, but I know there was more I wanted to write about eating.

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