Friday, June 07, 2013

Anything at all

It's funny having guests here. I open the liquor cabinet and then go upstairs to take a shower, and I feel like I'm in a different world. I don't think I'll ever get used to this shower, I mean I don't think I'll ever get used to anything else, after this shower. Why doesn’t every shower have three different heads spraying exactly the amount of water you need on your head your dick your asshole all at once, shouldn’t this mesmerizing massage be a requirement for modern living?
I'm kind of drunk, how did I get drunk? I think it's the Valium. I go downstairs in my robe, and Sean says that's what you're wearing to The Loft? She and Avery are sitting on one of the sofas, watching TV.
Sean says Mattilda, it's better than Cats.
And Avery says: no, bitches, it is Cats.
There’s Sean's little mirror out on the table, covered in white powder. This is going to be a messy night. It already is a messy night, and we haven't even started. I do a pretty big line. Okay, that's better. I sit down to watch. No, I can’t watch this.
Sean says let's do the ecstasy as soon as this is over, okay? I go upstairs to get dressed, can't decide what to wear, the skirt that looks like a carpet, with the tulip tights? Okay, with the blue sheer shirt, silver phone cords wrapped around my arms, no, that's uncomfortable. Just the usual pipe clamp bracelets. What should I do with my hair? Something different. Maybe I'll spike up the back, yes, yes a halo of yellow behind the purple and green in front — oh, that's amazing. I go downstairs, and Sean says look, snatch attack. And Avery is wearing a shirt I haven't seen before, some pink silk thing with puffy sleeves like a troubadour and she says look, we match, don't we?
At least the TV’s off. Sean hands me and Avery our magic capsules, and then we toast with Ned's crystal glasses. To the birthday girl, for bringing so much joy to our lives!
And snatch, Avery says.
I wish she would stop saying snatch just to annoy me.
I hope we're not doing the ecstasy too early — oh, it's already 1:30, how did that happen? Two o'clock and we are leaving – that's the plan. We're going to make it to The Loft on time for once. We open the door and wow, so much snow, everywhere, and then there's that ice cold wind. Are we really going to walk there? I guess it's only a few blocks. Good thing Sean isn’t wearing her heels. I'll never wear heels again, she keeps saying. Whatever that means.
When we get to The Loft, we tell them it's Sean's birthday but they’re not impressed. Avery pays, she says it's the least I can do for you two snatches. We shake our coats off at the bottom of the stairs before heading up to stash everything in the DJ booth. I think Michael says he likes my outfit. At least it looks like that’s what he’s saying. He probably thinks I'm some clueless druggie club child. I am a druggie club child, but I’m definitely not clueless, okay?
Oh, these lights, I never noticed these lights before. I look at Sean and her eyes are huge. The beat is pounding, and then, no way, really?
“She works up the block, she lives up the block.”
Avery says: it's your song!
It is my song.
Avery’s a pretty good dancer, actually — she stays in the same place, but really shakes out her head and she knows how to turn at just the right time so we’re like wheels on different machines with magnetic sensors and the song is going double-speed until it’s stuck on “Eternity, Eternity, Eternity, Eternity…” — oh my God it is eternity and everyone is shrieking because we all know what’s next except it doesn’t happen because Michael Fucking Sheehan goes right into the bubble song, oh that bitch is cunt, I can’t believe I just said that: “just listen just listen just listen” and then: “mother fucker, mother mother fucker,” I don’t think I’ve heard this one before “mother mother fucker” and damn, there it is, just when we’re least expecting it: “Because you’re ugly forever” and their I am yelling work Mama work like the clubkid I just said I wasn’t know I said I wasn’t clueless, okay?
And then the beat drops deep into the floor, how does he fucking do that damn and suddenly it feels like there’s nowhere to move, did someone turn the heat up, I want to take a break but I can’t take a break while the music is this good so I step to the side to ask our favorite 21-year-old drug dealer what's going on. Yes, she says yes, Mattilda, this ecstasy is so good, yes.
Now you can’t even move on the dance floor, it's hard for me even to reach Avery and when I get to him he pulls me close and says I love you. Mattilda. I love you.
I love you, I say, because why not? But could you do me a favor? In the future? And not wear so much cologne?
I kiss her on the lips. She says: I'll do that, I'll do that for you. I'll wear a hippy deodorant rock. Around my neck.
I think I have an extra.
Now the music is back to clanky knock-you-down bitch queen madness and I'm trying to clear some space around me, all these sweaty shirtless muscle boys tonight with their sweaty chest shining in the light and Sean’s trying to part the crowd, just as the drums start to really shake the floors, is that the drums or all these feet or my head or just everything at once and Avery grabs me from behind to try and grind, I give in for a moment and then twirl right around her, into someone else's arms, someone else who says ooh girl and then the beats get so layered that the only thing I can do is jump up in the air with my special kick, fling myself to the ground and around, good thing I didn't hit anyone, and when I stand up there’s Sean saying Mattilda, you better work.
Sean waves to Avery and then she's with us, there's a flood of people pouring up the stairs, I never even realized there were stairs going up and yes, there's air coming in, yes, and who are all these people? Oh, there's Jon B, sticking her tongue out from way up top. Some bitch with bleached hair and the usual eyebrows says he needs something from Sean. Of course, she says, of course, and holds out her hand, just like that, if you didn't know what was happening you wouldn't even notice.
Oh my God, it's not another floor, it's the roof. The snow is still falling fast and it's like walking into the sky. Andrea from this angle before, like she's coming right out of the other buildings: I’ve never seen her before from this angle. Everyone’s falling into one another, collapsing in the snow and someone’s yelling shit, shit I just broke my ankle and I can’t help it, I'm twirling around and then I almost slip — oh, I see what’s going on.
Sean says do you need anything? No. I don't need anything, I don’t need anything, I don’t need anything at all.

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