Wednesday, June 05, 2013

But where to next? Oh, Bertucci's, right, Bertucci's. We get there and it’s packed, I've never even been there before when it's been crowded. Valium, anyone? I'm not hungry, Sean says. Me neither, Avery says. Oh, pot — we need more pot. So we go back outside, the snow is making that crunching sound underneath our feet. Even Andrea looks excited. Oh, my, this car is getting smoky, too smoky — help, open the window. Okay good, let's go back inside.
Back inside and now Bertucci's is hilarious. There's a full band playing jazz standards, but aren’t they playing backwards? Isn’t that Dolly Parton’s sister over there? “Back to the middle round round again,” why can’t they play “back to the middle round round again?” I’m gonna be your underwear! Ooh-ooh.
Your underwear’s on me, I say, and Avery says take the jeans off. I mean dinner. Dinner’s on me. Okay, we’ll split it. There’s a line, so we wait at the bar, the perfect place to watch all these Murphy Browns. Yuppies and guppies, I say, yuppies and guppies.
What are guppies, Avery asks.
Like Sean, if she wasn't such a mess.
No Heavy-handed Wendy in sight, but this cocktail is still the answer. Whoever invented cocktails should get the lifetime achievement award.
Just what I needed, Sean says — bitch, you are reading my mind!
Bitch, you are reading my mind!
Bitch, you are reading both of my minds, Avery says. Oops.
Avery starts laughing, and then I'm laughing, and then Sean’s laughing and the bartender’s looking over like something’s suspicious so we raise our glasses in a toast — to a snowy year, I say.
To a year without fear, Sean says.
To fear without my ear, Avery says, and starts laughing again. You get it, you get it?
And, it's time for our seat -- yes, this one, Sean says, like there’s any other choice.
Avery wants to get pepperoni but Sean says no, Mattilda is here, it has to be vegan.
Sean should have her birthday every day.
Avery says that's okay, I'm trying to lose weight.
But what should we get, I ask. Spinach, Sean says, I know you like spinach. Artichokes, I say — Abby's favorite. Avery says extra cheese — oops. Sean says broccoli, to fight cancer. I say sun-dried tomatoes — JoAnne's favorite. Sean says stop it with JoAnne and Abby. I say no, we are banishing them, it's a ritual. When we eat those sun-dried tomatoes, and those artichokes, it's all going through our digestion.
And into our shit.
And then it's over — “darling I love you but can’t you see.”
“It’s over for me.”
Okay — spinach, artichokes, broccoli, sun-dried tomatoes — anything else? Mushrooms, Avery says, I love mushrooms. Magic mushrooms. Magic magic mushrooms
Another round of cocktails?
Cheers, Sean says — to the best day of my life.
Your whole life?
My whole life. “Darling I love you but can’t you see.”
The band is playing "Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow" and Sean starts singing along; everyone looks over. Avery and Sean are fighting over the last pizza dough roll. I should carry pot around with me all the time, just to get other people to eat more — three meals a day, right?
A doctor a day keeps the apple away, Avery says, and giggles again.
An apple for pay means Snapple in the hay.
Crapple for pineapple fish tackle.
Miami crabapple for snazzy White Castle.
Bitch, you did not just say snazzy White Castle.
Girl, this feels like the first meal I’ve ever eaten in my life, Sean says. And the best.
We should take her out for her birthday every day.
When we get back outside, there must be at least 6 inches of snow already. Should we leave the car here? Tomorrow’s Sunday.
It's my birthday, Sean says — I'm 21. I look over and she's talking to some preppy monster on the street.
Twenty-one? You don’t look a day older than 50.
And I don't feel a day older than 51.
Who was that bitch, I say, and when the bitch looks back I say yes, you, bitch. You in the Brooks Brothers blazer working Michael J. Fox on a bad hair day.
Brooks Brothers? This is Neiman Marcus.
Ignore her, Sean says — oh, shit, ecstasy. We need to get the ecstasy. Let's drive.
Are you sure you're sober enough, I ask Avery, and she starts laughing. I guess it's not that far.
We get to the purple house, that's what we’ve started calling it but I can’t remember why since it’s not purple it’s brown but I guess it’s easier than saying Sage, Juniper, and Lisa’s. Plus, some people would say Sage’s, some would say Juniper’s, and I felt bad for Lisa. Anyway, we’ve arrived, and Sean says I’ll go up and get it.
But it's your birthday, Avery and I both say.
Sean says don't worry, I made $15,000 last month.
Well that shuts us up. Sean goes inside, and Avery asks if I think she's telling the truth. I don't know. $15,000 sounds like a lot.
But wait until you see my sugar daddy’s place, I say. It’s ridiculous.
I don't think I've called Ned my sugar daddy before. I can't decide how it sounds. Avery says is he okay?
What do you mean?
Is he attractive?
Oh, honey — you have got to be kidding.
Is he old?
Older than my father and your father put together.
Well, okay, maybe not, but he's definitely not attractive.
How do you do it?
I don't know.
Would you ever talk to your mother again?
I don't know.
I'm thinking of telling my mother that I'm gay, and I don't think it's going to go well.
Are you an only child?
Isn’t that obvious?
Me too.
Sean comes back into the car and says what are you cunts up to?
Just talking about your smelly snatch, Avery says.
We get to Ned’s, and I feel like it's been a long day. I can’t believe I’ve done so much coke but I still feel like I need a nap.

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