Sunday, July 07, 2013

Honest

After Ned’s in bed, Avery calls. She’s so nervous about getting her HIV test results that she starts crying on the phone. But she doesn’t want me to come over, too many deliveries tonight so she has to pull herself together which I guess means sampling the product because that’s what she’s doing on the phone. I can't believe she’s 23 and she's never gotten tested before.
The next day when Avery comes over, she's practically shaking, I kiss her neck and oh, it's so cold — how come you're not wearing a scarf? Ooh, but I like your cold skin, let me warm you up.
Avery says let's go in the bathroom, which means let's do coke because even though I say people should always do their drugs in public I have this rule at Ned’s that we can only do it in the bathroom. With the water running. Just in case.
It's fun in the bathroom too, like we're in a club but we control the lights.
We go upstairs and Avery snorts way too much and then shakes her head back and forth and starts jumping up and down — girl, how much have you done today? She starts laughing and hands me the vial, says let me hold you while you do it.
Girl, you are not holding me while I do coke.
Yes, yes, please, let me hold you — I like holding you.
Avery, you are fetishizing my addiction.
I am not fetishizing your addiction.
Then you’re fetishizing your own addiction.
I just want to feel your hot body.
Now you're changing the subject.
I'm not changing the subject.
A few minutes ago you were saying you never wanted to have sex again.
That was before. Come on, come on, hurry, catch up with me, and then I'll bend you over and fuck you over the sink.
I'm not even dressed yet.
Just the way I like you.
Okay, hand me the vial.
Avery hands me way too much in a cap and I do the whole thing and he unties my robe and pulls it open and he's grinding up against me.
Honey, I have to get ready.
I'm getting you ready.
You are such a mess.
I am not a mess.
Girl, come on, let's eat something.
I can't believe you're going to eat after all that coke.
Makes it taste better. I made miso soup with ginger and tofu and vegetables.
Okay, I’ll try to eat something. But first will you put the music on — it's time to dance. Dance dance dance dance dance.
Well, I can't argue with that. I need to get a sound system in this bathroom. Ned said it was a good idea.
Yes, yes – it will be our own club — Blue Tile Snatch.
You did not just say that.
No, I know — Snatching the Blues. That's it, that's it — Snatching the Blues.
I don't know about the word snatch.
I know you don't know about snatch, but snatching, you can't argue with snatching.
I just think it's misogynist.
Girl, we’re reclaiming it. I know you believe in reclaiming.
But how can we reclaim something we’ve never been called?
Like bitch.
Don't tell me you've never been called a bitch.
Don't tell me you've never been called a snatch.
But you can’t even deal with the word faggot.
That's because it hurts me. It hurts me it hurts me it hurts me – I don't like being hurt.
But it's beautiful, it’s such a beautiful word. You're a beautiful faggot. Come here, faggot, come here and kiss me.
I just think it's different. But I do want to kiss you.
But, that's it — it's different because it hurts you. And I think it's the words that hurt you that you can reclaim. Right?
Oh, Mattilda, whatever you say, you're tiring me out. Let's take a shower.
A shower and miso soup and music and then somehow it's already 5 pm and we haven't left the house. Our appointment’s not until six, but we’re way too high so we better get out before Ned gets home. Avery, do you want to borrow a scarf? How about this pink one? Ooh, you look pretty in pink.
Isn't she.
Pretty.
In.
Mauve.
We get to the clinic early and Avery doesn't want to go inside, let's wait in the Park Plaza lobby. What if I have AIDS, Avery says, what if I have AIDS?
We’ve already talked about this— you're not going to test positive. Unless there's something I don't know about.
There isn't anything you don't know about.
I mean I know you fucked that guy in the bathroom at Avalon.
I already told you I've always used a condom. And I've never gotten fucked.
Except once.
Except once. And I liked it. But I don't want to do it again.
Why not?
It's too scary. I already told you. It's too scary.
But you also keep saying you never want to have sex again. And then we keep having sex.
That's different. I mean I'm not serious.
But you sound serious. Every time you sound serious. And then that one time you asked me to fuck you.
Just once. I only asked you to fuck me once. I wanted to know what it felt like. I already told you I liked it. But it's too scary.
I mean it doesn't matter to me. I don't care about fucking.
I like fucking you.
I'm just saying that if it will make you feel safer, we don't have to do any of that. We don't even have to suck each other's dicks. We can just make out, and roll around, and jerk each other off.
That's not enough.
It's not enough for you.
Okay, you're right, it's not enough for me. Does that make you happy?
I just want you to be honest. I just want you to be honest with yourself.
Okay, okay — I'm being honest. Now I'm going to the bathroom, and then we'll go over to the clinic, okay? Do you want any?
I'm too high already — I don't know how you do so much.

3 comments:

kayti said...

what are the results of the hiv test. you know you can't leave me hanging like this

kayti said...

honesty did he test positive.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

More soon -- I love it that you're drawn in :)

Love--
mattilda