One of the things that I notice while traveling is that I feel more resilient. Not that I feel good, but that I feel like I can recover from the times when I feel awful. Like last night after the reading, which was amazing, amazing in the way that it felt like it nourished me, that I wasn’t just pushing through exhaustion, that it was a complicated and emotionally engaged conversation that meant so much to me. Maybe everything. Talking about public vulnerability, and feeling vulnerable, feeling like this will save me, like this will allow me to connect with people and ideas and communities, and it does, it does.
And then, afterwards, well, right afterwards, I still felt okay but then I crashed into that horrible drained annihilated feeling like why, why did I do that, why do I do anything when it always leaves me feeling this way, who am I kidding, what is the point, and will I ever recover? Driving home with Meghan and this pounding headache attacking me with pollution or pollen or whatever it is through the windows, and then when we got home I changed my clothes anyway so I could go for a walk, a walk in the grass to try to reset my body.
And here’s my point: it actually worked. Worked enough that I slept well and not in pain, yes, now I’m exhausted and the headache is back, but maybe not in that annihilating way. And I think this is progress.