Friday, July 12, 2013

Progress

Please, someone, can you tell me when this bloating will end? And, really, I’m getting more and more confused about this thing called hunger, what the fuck is it? I mean all this time I’ve been thinking it’s that feeling in my head when I get edgy, but it’s something in the rest of my body too, right? How do I know, how do I know when I’m actually hungry and not just anxious or exhausted or anxious and exhausted, and when I eat and it makes me more exhausted, does that mean I’m more present in my body, or that the food is making me exhausted, that I’m eating too much, and that’s what causes the bloating?
So this awareness practice from somatic therapy, that’s what led me here to this exploration, this exploration of how the fuck to stay present in my body while I’m eating. How the fuck to get to a place where I actually feel better after I eat, not worse. How the fuck to get to a place where I’m not overwhelmed by intestinal pain, stomach pain, bloating, exhaustion – and everything else too, but let’s start there.
So I’ve started to think that maybe I eat too much, too much at once, but also too much as a whole, and that’s part of what makes me sick. That at one point I did need to eat this much, but not anymore. But I can’t really figure out how much is the right amount. I mean now I think I’m not eating enough, or not consuming enough calories, how do I get enough calories if I eat less? I have no fucking idea. I wish I could eat oil or nuts or something like that — healthy oil, healthy nuts — but I can’t eat any oil at all or, forget it, the bloating gets so much worse.
But here’s the good part. Sometimes, now, I suddenly taste something that’s so incredibly delicious — like a piece of broccoli on the plate, incredible! Or these beans -- all the sudden, amazing. I think that means I’m more present. And that eating less helps me, at least right now. Even if it’s kind of like a modified fast, maybe this helps to cleanse my body.
Candida. That’s another thing I’m wondering about. Because of this pattern of craving food, the bloating that starts at a particular time no matter what. The fact that now I’m more exhausted, but not more hungry — is that the die-off? How the fuck can I figure it out? I don’t want to be hurting myself, I want to be helping, you know? I think this is helping, but is it?
Oh, health — will I ever get there? What the fuck is it, health? What else? There was so much else to say. At least my head doesn’t feel cloudy, not right now at least.
Dizziness — I am getting a little dizzy. Is that from not enough calories, or from the candida die off? Detox? How do I figure these things out, these things I’ve been trying to figure out for years and years and years. Obviously being more present while I eat has to be a good thing, in the long term at least, but in the short term it’s often kind of stressful. Like I’ll eat four bites, and then I feel like I’m full. But I know I’m going to need to eat in five minutes. So usually I’ll just keep eating anyway. But that’s the trick, I think that’s what makes me sick, or one of the things. So I need to stop, and get up, move away from the table, do something until I get too edgy to function, then I know I’m really hungry so I can go back. And maybe, all these different times when I’m eating five or 10 or 20 minutes from when I just ate, maybe if think of four or five of these times as one meal that stretches over an hour that makes sense, right? Isn’t that what a meal is supposed to be?
I mean I can’t just sit there, and take a break, and wonder if I should eat more yet, because then within a minute there’s a fork in my hand and food in my mouth and I don’t even know what’s happening. Literally. This is so confusing.
As a teenager I was anorexic. That’s why I thought that when Nathan first suggested writing down notes about how I feel while I’m eating, I just thought no, that will be too overwhelming, right? But actually it does help me to stay present. Although then I worry that if I’m eating less, am I getting back into an anorexic pattern? I mean I know that’s not my impetus, but it’s still a fear.
Oh, food — how to figure it all out, I hope I’m getting somewhere. I remember when I had to eat immediately before getting into bed; I knew this was unhealthy, and it made me feel disgusting, but it was the only way I could fall asleep. And then, for a while, I had to get up in the middle of the night and eat toast. Now it seems like if I eat later than a certain point, that makes the bloating much worse. And, that time gets earlier and earlier, probably because I’m getting up earlier, but still it’s a bit confusing when now it seems like I shouldn’t eat after 6 pm at the latest, especially when a month ago it was 7 pm and a few months before that it was 8, and then before that 10 and way before that I would eat at 3 or 4 am just a few minutes for climbing into bed. But this sounds like progress, right? I think.

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