Friday, July 12, 2013

Remove points of structure

Speaking of potions, Ned has discovered melatonin, he says it works as well as any sleeping pill, and he’s right, it does work pretty well. Especially since I’m taking sleeping pills all day long. Add some melatonin to the magical Marinol at the end of the day I mean night and I’m set. “The lady in red… she’s dancing with me …”

In the mirror: they call it flesh but actually it’s so many hills and valleys, sun and rain no pain no gain, poke-me marks, pock, is that a word by itself, pock poke-me marks or is it poke-me pockmarks? But this flesh, me, the colors: red and pale blue and pink and white and yellow and orange all blended together and those prickly hairs poking through, darker than the other hairs, right, the rounded pointiness of cheeks and the way my eyes can be blue but really that’s white and blue and a circle of green, sparkly brown spots on the left I never realized brown could sparkle is it really purple in disguise like the way the white of the eyes is the part that shines the most and you never realize that from far away. Or, the way skin is really all of these little holes, some dry and some greasy even after the apricot facial scrub and oil-free moisturizer it’s never just smooth except from far away and I guess that’s why so many people wear so much makeup. Good evening, evenness. Evenness the bags under my eyes can become pretty when I stare long enough and let everything. Look, look how my lower lip is bigger and puffier and more red than the pinker upper lip. Pinker tinker toiler troubler, cauldron boiler toilet bubble.

And, introducing: teeth. Teeth — that’s just the way you are — teeth.

The way we think of you as white, right, white, but you’re so much closer to yellow, at least mine no everyone’s I think unless they’ve been bleached. And who wants bleach in their mouth, really, it hurts enough every time I bleach my hair. Or maybe my teeth are stained. And the biggest stain is that white white on the front left tooth from that fluoride treatment when I was 12 or maybe 10, what were they thinking? Poison the kids with fluoride. We drink it every day, help, Ned we need a water filter, yes, why don’t we have a water filter?

Nose hairs, oh my. Okay, stop, stop pulling skin back to remove points of structure leaving only softness giving way to pain in search of softness and it never works, popping those blackheads, okay, stop, but my point was the way the water runs over my hands, oh my hands, right, washing my hands with the oatmeal soap because it’s like a massage with the hot water and my contacts, right, I’m taking out my contacts, no, I’m in the bathroom at the Westin, just for old-times sake, all those times Abby and I sat around here waiting for tricks, why the Westin, I don’t know, just because of these comfortable chairs.

And the payphones out of the rain or the heat or the cold, right, the luxury of waiting. No: luxury while waiting. There’s never luxury in waiting. But what am I doing at the Westin? Waiting for Avery to make a delivery, now it’s all about deliveries, I forgot what we were getting today, sofas? Too heavy. Avery, should we make a list? Extra cheese, honey — remember the extra cheese! Do I need another bump? I think I’ll go back in the bathroom to smooth everything out.


Willard Lake said...

Mattilda...Doll, Darlin' Diva...Just a note to say Hello...Am in lovely Baltimore trying to realize my Life once again...Keep up the Good Work
Your friend and Fan Wil

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Good luck in Baltimore, my dear – I think it's a much better place than DC...

Love –