Tuesday, July 30, 2013


And then it’s the end of the chapter, as this guy is grabbing or maybe holding, I think he’s holding David’s head and saying go ahead, enjoy it, and then: “His fingers and face scattered into shards of light.” That line in red, the way it goes into my eyes suddenly light too, and I’m wondering if David was able to plan out the layout of this text, the layout of the text and images before he died.
And when I look up at Ned he’s smiling at me, and so I smile at him, and there’s something like desire between us. Or, maybe not desire exactly, what is it?

And Ned says: I want to give you a hug, is that okay?

And I’m trying to remember if he’s ever asked before if it’s okay. And I say yes, that would be sweet, and I’m wondering if it really could be sweet, maybe in this moment, even the smell of the baby oil he’s always rubbing on his body, it feels kind of nice to rest my head on his shoulder for a moment and drift away except then I’m thinking oh no, now he’s going to suggest we go in the bedroom, I don’t want to go in the bedroom. But after a moment he just says that was nice, really nice. And then I get ready to go out.

Of course it’s not until 1 a.m. when I get to Paradise, but honey, that’s the perfect time. I’m dancing
with some blonde guy I’ve never seen before who really knows how to work the moves, I mean really. After a while he’s got me in his arms, I don’t even know how it works exactly because it’s not the cheesy grinding thing but something else, and then he says do you want to go home with me, sure, so then we’re outside getting in his car and I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever gone home with anyone from Paradise.

And I’m thinking about Avery too, I mean of course we’re not monogamous but have we ever had a real conversation about it, I’m not sure, every time I try he changes the subject. And when I get to this guy’s place in the South End, kind of a large for living alone and how does he afford it? He says do you like K, definitely, but after that first bump something changes in the room, I don’t know what exactly, but I keep looking over at the door like someone else is there, watching us. Preying on us. A stalker.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t done K in a while, but this panic just surrounds me, I can even feel my heart beating inside, is that my heart oh my eyes are closed and this guy says is something wrong? I say I just got really tired; I think I should go home. He looks kind of surprised and sad but I give him my number and then when I get outside I remember how much I love this feeling like I’m in the ground beneath the ground but also on a swingset and when I get home I lie in bed and watch the flickering of the chandelier for a long time, could be minutes or hours, 3:10 am I guess I’ll take my magical Marinol.

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