There’s something about having sex with someone who knows you, who knows you so well, who knows you so well in this particular way: Avery and I are on Sean’s bed, he’s fucking me from behind and I don’t have to ask him to put his hands underneath my thighs, to rub softly, really softly. When I move his hand away from my dick he doesn’t move it back, I don’t have to keep pushing him away. When I pull his arms around me he doesn’t move them away, just squeezes me really tight and soft at the same time with his dick still in my ass as he moves his hands all over my head and face and then he grabs my neck like he’s going to choke me but I feel so safe.
And he pushes me on the bed, face down, I know this is a game we’re both playing until ouch, I pull away, and he pulls out, turns me over, grabs my head again and we’re making out in that way that makes me forget there’s anything else except this tongue and those eyes so close to my eyes I can almost feel them no wait I can, I can feel his eyelashes, my hands all over his back, squeezing his armpits, there’s his dick at my asshole again, inside as he puts all his weight right on my chest, yes, spits in my face the way he was afraid to before and I’m laughing because there’s a lot of spit, I’m laughing with all this spit and this boyfriend on top of me, now he’s biting my neck and pumping, grabbing me really firmly all around and pumping, I can tell he’s going to come so I grab his head and feel the pressure of his belly against my dick, I’m pumping too so after he comes and pulls out he lies down beside me and I get on top of him, move one of his hands under my balls and just like that I shoot all over him and then I squeeze him tight the stickiness between us with our sweat and now he’s laughing and saying Mattilda, how did you come so much?
So when Ned says childhood pornography, does he mean child pornography, or pornography from childhood? I don’t wait around to find out, just feel kind of scared and distant like what is he saying about my life? And, now he wants to know more about my history. This cocktail, let me change the subject, so I can finish this cocktail.
What did you think of the blackened blueberry tempeh? I was trying to recreate this tempeh I had at a restaurant in San Francisco, and I’m not sure I got it quite right.
Oh, it was sensational, I’ve never had anything like it.
I’m thinking about when Avery pulls the sheets off the bed, Sean’s sheets, blue pinstripes on white, classic preppy pointlessness, then opens the linen closet at Sean’s house and there are all different colors — paisley sheets, plaid, bright yellow— Avery, where did you get all these sheets, I don’t remember going shopping, and he starts laughing and pulls out the paisley ones and drapes them over me. They’re for you, he says, for you and me, and when I go to the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror with the sheet around my head I see there are new towels too, paisley towels that almost match the paisley sheets, such beautiful colors and I feel like a little kid twirling around in someone else’s dress or okay, my mother’s dress, twirling around and looking at myself in the mirror.