And when I wake up, wait, have I been sleeping, Bobby’s kissing me and saying yes, yes, and I look for the movie again, oh there it is it’s upside down — someone’s reading the newspaper called GAY, everyone reads that paper now and I close my eyes and Bobby’s saying yes, yes, and is he really fucking me, wait, I’m on a deck, reading the paper, inside the paper is more paper, I keep opening and opening and opening the paper until the water comes through the sky and the stars are so bright and night, this tunnel through the trees and oh, a little window I’m climbing through the window into the other side of the sky another window, something in my mouth, bubbles—blow bubbles blow I’m on the elevator going backwards fast through the stars and on the other side is light, the sun on the beach and now the water, shooting backwards through the water the waves my whole body shaking in the waves and how am I breathing the elevator shooting through me the water, backstroke, side stroke, fancy diving too, oh wouldn’t it be lovely to be with you, to be with you, to be with you and I never noticed before how if you let everything go, if you let everything go in the water you can feel the way it becomes a pump your heart.
I wake up in a bed, a really comfortable bed but something hurts, maybe my stomach and how did it get so dark? Oh, right, I’m still at Bobby’s house but am I alone? I start to sit up but I’m too dizzy. I need water or sleep I mean I need water and then sleep, more sleep, please more sleep, but can I get up? I close my eyes.
I’m doing back flips on the beach in the sun, I never realized my body could do this before, I just keep flipping my legs over and over and over and over and over and even though it hurts it also feels like I’m flying, why don’t I try this more often, maybe because I’m never on the beach. But then I hit a wall. It doesn’t hurt like I thought it would, it just feels like diving into the water and forgetting to put your hands out in the right position, oh, I am in the water except the current is pushing me back, I’m swimming but I’m not getting anywhere and then I let go.
Now I’m awake again, how long has it been? My mouth so dry it feels something other than my mouth, what is it? Oh, my tongue and here’s the light switch in the kitchen, ouch that light hurts my eyes, turn it off. I guess there aren’t any windows in here. Here’s a glass. Okay, the sink, yes, water, yes. Oh, orange juice, should I drink this orange juice on the counter oh it’s fresh squeezed but now I need to shit.
Oh my God. That shooting pain that goes right through my body when will it end. Diarrhea. Blood on the toilet paper, I can’t tell if it’s a lot or a little but it’s definitely blood. I need something to eat, is there anything in the refrigerator? Gross — what’s that smell?
Okay, Wonder Bread, I guess I can eat Wonder Bread. Iceberg lettuce? Mustard. I’ll make a mustard sandwich with iceberg lettuce. Here’s the toaster. Maybe it will talk to me, oh, the toast is already burning.
I need more water. This isn’t that bad, this, this sandwich. Except that chewing hurts. I need more water.
I remember saying I didn’t want to have sex, and then cuddling, and maybe he was sucking my dick anyway, but it was all right, and then I remember, oh, wait, ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch okay I better sit down. He kept saying you’re beautiful, I know he kept saying that because otherwise I wouldn’t have it in my head. He kept saying you’re beautiful while he was fucking me, right, he must’ve been fucking me that’s why everything hurts.
Oh, a shower, yes, a shower. Red, I do love this red, except then I start thinking I’m taking a shower of blood. Warm, right? The water pressure is really strong but the only soap he has is Dial. I kind of like it when guys smell like Dial, there’s something so clean and fresh but on me it just smells like poison. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do about this blood. Should I write him a note? What would I say? I know I asked you not to fuck me, but now I just want to know if you used a condom.
There must be a condom around here somewhere, right? There must be a condom. In the bathroom trashcan? Just tissues. In the kitchen? Where is the trashcan? I can’t find a trashcan. Oh, here, underneath the sink: empty. Maybe he emptied the trash, maybe he emptied the trash in the morning. Is it morning? I don’t want to go outside, I don’t think I’m ready. I need to lie down again.
What did I do last night? K and ecstasy and that huge cocktail, pot beforehand. Sure, I was a mess, but it was fun and then something changed, how did I get on the floor, we were rolling around on the floor and then he was fucking me and I couldn’t even tell, I couldn’t even tell what was my body and what was his and what was the carpet and then I was asleep. I was asleep, and he was fucking me? There must be a condom around here somewhere, right, there must be a condom. I don’t know if I’m ready to go outside yet.
At least he has soft towels. At least he has soft towels, and I don’t have to talk to him now. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here before he gets back, but I don’t know if I’m ready to go outside. Should I make another sandwich? Oh, I need to shit, but I don’t want to, it’s going to hurt too much. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch fucking ouch.