Thursday, August 15, 2013

What I was looking at

Okay, it’s still the same night. I just put a chapter break here because I needed a break. Everything was getting too messy. I could tell you about vomiting into the toilet in the bathroom at the Ramrod, and then standing up and vomiting all over the floor. But no one noticed, so then I stumbled back into the bar and ate peanuts and ordered another cocktail. Then I could tell you about going outside, and over to the Fens to smoke pot, and passing out, right there on the bench with my head hanging off until someone was poking me and when I looked up I couldn’t figure out what I was looking at, and then I fell off the bench and onto the ground, and I guess I passed out again because then I woke up in the mud and there was this awful shit smell but I just wanted to stay there anyway, it felt comfortable. But then I started to get scared. I didn’t know what was happening to me. And that’s when I realized wait, I think he drugged me. Because I drank that orange juice, and then everything changed. And then I drank more this morning or evening or whatever that was, maybe that was drugged too.

I could tell you about getting home, finally, if this is home, will I ever have one, I could tell you about getting home, or wherever, and taking the usual pills, but more of them, and then realizing that I shit in my pants, shit and blood in my boxers and I couldn’t turn the washer on because Ned was sleeping.

I could tell you that I just took more pills. I could tell you about vomiting again, how my throat kept spasming and then I was choking on my need to vomit but nothing coming out. I could tell you about passing out on the floor in my bathroom, and Ned finding me the next morning because I forgot to close the door. I could tell you about calling Avery and then hanging up, I could tell you about calling Avery again and then hanging up.
And then I called him back, and he said he was sorry, he was sorry for being an asshole. I could tell you about our conversation. No, okay, I will tell you about our conversation.
Avery, it’s not what you did, it’s how you talked about it. How you talked about me.
I was just kidding.
No, you were not kidding, I know you were not kidding.
Mattilda, how do you know I was not kidding?
It was the way you said it.
What, what did I say?
You said: you have a nice asshole, but I found something even better.
I was just kidding. Nobody’s better than you.
That’s not the point.
It is. I love you.
Avery, the point is that you were talking about me like I was this thing, an asshole, nothing but an asshole, do you understand, do you understand what I’m saying?
No, I don’t, that’s not how I talk, you know that.
No, I don’t know that. You talk like that all the time.
Mattilda, I do not, I do not talk like that.
And then you said you called this other whore, like all I was to you was a whore.
Mattilda, I did not say whore. See, I don’t talk like that. I called him an escort.
Okay, you’re right, you called him an escort. But that’s not my point.
Mattilda, why don’t you just come over, so we can talk about this in person?
I can’t come over. I can’t come over until you understand what I’m talking about.
Mattilda.
Listen, you called him an escort, but my point was that you were acting like that’s all I was to you.
Mattilda, you know that’s not true. And besides, you were an escort. You are.
That’s not the point — I know I’m a whore, but my point is the way you were talking about me, like I was just this thing.
Okay, I get it, I get it.
And besides, I was really upset, I was really upset because something horrible happened to me, I called you for support and then you weren’t even listening,
What, Mattilda, what happened?
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter now.
It does matter.
You’re right, it does matter, but I don’t want to talk about it. Someone raped me.
Mattilda, what do you mean?
Someone raped me. Some guy.
Who, Mattilda, who?
I went to the Fens, and then I went home with some guy, and he raped me.
Then you were fucking too, why are you getting so upset if you were fucking?
Avery, I can’t believe you just said that.
What, what did I just say?
Avery, I can’t talk about this. I can’t talk to you right now.

1 comment:

kayti said...

I am upset with Avery. What a jerk. Ok maybe I will get over it but maybe not.