This energy going into my body, especially at the beginning of the day before I’ve eaten anything, when I’m doing feldenkrais, or even sitting here at the computer with the breeze blowing in through the window—it’s kind of hilarious timing because it’s been more than 12 years since I’ve done drugs, but I’m writing a lot about doing drugs, since the novel is called Sketchtasy, right? And one of those horrible things about crashing from ecstasy was the knowledge that the feeling in my body could only be accomplished through this drug, this drug that annihilated me, left me obliterated.
Now I feel obliterated most of the time, but then this energy in my body, and it is that same sense I used to feel on ecstasy, actually, the tingling, the head rush, the feeling that suddenly I was inhabiting the space inside myself. Gentler though, briefer, more fleeting, but also not so draining. Maybe I was wrong, maybe that feeling I remember can be accomplished in other ways.
Yes, of course there’s the endorphin rush from exercise, especially dancing, but that’s not something I have access to anymore either, because of pain and exhaustion. But this is more subtle, it’s coming from inside maybe if I can bring more of it into more of my moments then I can start to feel more of what I want.
But then there’s my walk, the instant headache as soon as I step out the door so I come back inside to get a bigger hat. The bigger hat isn’t working, and now I’m a snot machine. Oh — this is the seasonal allergy headache. I was deluding myself that fall wouldn’t be so bad. I guess I leave in eight days.
Lying in the park doesn’t help, I have to stumble to a bench to recover from trying to recover. Am I a little better, or a little worse?