Today is not a good day. I’m sitting here thinking I can’t do this, why am I doing this, this tour, why? Why am I doing this to myself?
I’m doing this so I can connect with other people who connect with my work. I’m doing this so I can go to Boston, to fill in sensory details for the new novel. I don’t even know if I need that, but I felt like I needed it, so I’m going. I’m doing this so I can visit people on the East Coast, even my mother and grandmother. I’m doing this because I want The End of San Francisco to continue to get attention, I want to build the momentum.
I don’t know if this is a good decision. I might have decided not to go at all, except that I wanted to spend that time in Boston — and, when I decided to make it a whole month suddenly it seemed kind of relaxing, a fun exploration. But today none of it sounds fun. Especially not the beginning, when I’m just on an endless train to Havre, Montana, where I’m stopping for two nights just so I don’t have to take the train for 48 hours. So it’s split in half, 24 hours to Havre, and then another 24 hours to Madison, where I’m staying at some extended-stay hotel on the side of a thoroughfare, and that definitely doesn’t sound fun either. I’m kind of curious about Madison, but I won’t have the energy to explore, since I have one big event, and then another lunchtime event the next day. And then I head to Chicago. Maybe after I take the train to Carbondale, way at the bottom of Illinois, and then come back to Chicago for a few days, maybe then it will feel relaxing? But, no — then I have to take the overnight train to DC, where I’ll be for a week but I’ll be recovering from the train. And then New York, where I won’t be able to settle in right away because for the first four nights I’m staying somewhere different then the next 10, and I don’t know, all of this just sounds horrible right now, maybe that’s why Boston sounds better, because I’ll be there for a month. Except I hate Boston.