Was there a time when creativity didn't feel like such a desperate act of self-preservation? I just read that 95 percent of the body’s serotonin is produced in the gut, which makes a lot of sense, considering that I feel like I’ve lost all my serotonin and maybe it’s stuck there with everything else.
Meanwhile, it’s been months since I’ve had sex, or even jerked off. I look at some guy on the street, and he looks hot, there’s a craving there, somewhere in my body, but then it just falls away. I remember a time when, if I met someone who said they hadn’t had sex in a few months, I really couldn’t understand at all.
Sex used to be a way to take me out of exhaustion, at least for a moment, but now there is no way out except through ideas. At first I thought maybe that was positive, not that I’m more exhausted, not that the only way out was through ideas that can only last so long until the body kicks in again, the rest of the body that isn't in the mind. But I thought maybe it was positive that if I’m exhausted then also sex sounds exhausting, or is exhausting, that somehow that was more connected. Except when everything just gets more and more exhausting this doesn’t sound so hopeful.