Instead of nonprofit, what about no-profit? A political stance, not just a money laundering scheme. Two UPS trucks, parked back to back, maybe someone will write a song about this. So how is it that I just became calm, after a day that felt like everything struggling against nothing. Struggling just to function, which means not functioning. Not functioning in the ways I would like. And is it really just from one week in the dryness of Montana that means my hands and feet so chapped, toes swollen, castor oil all over my hands, moisturizer on feet but within a few minutes they’re dry again.
Today the caretaker at Volunteer Park asked me if I inherited my wardrobe. I love that idea. But I still don’t understand why anyone would want to understand Hollywood. When you’re writing a novel and you start to wonder if this happened—that’s definitely a good sign. Anyone who thinks it's good to live in Seattle if you have migraines is missing the point because these migraines started in Seattle. Maybe there’s nothing comforting. The worst illusion of safety is safety.
I never thought I’d say this, but it’s kind of fun to get up when it’s still dark out, watching the sky go from black to purple to cobalt then something like lavender as the sun rises except then Seattle realness kicks in and it fades to gray. Before two weeks ago, I don’t think I had ever been up before sunrise, except when I was still up from the night before.
Funny that when I did a lot of drugs I always thought I needed to sleep for eight hours exactly, so I would set my alarm to make sure I didn’t sleep too much. And then sometimes I would stay up all night just to reset my body, although I’m not sure what I meant by that exactly. Maybe just caffeine. But what I meant by resetting my body? Maybe it’s good that now I have no idea.
When you lie down on the stretching mat, close your eyes and end up falling asleep. When editing on my new novel is going so well that nothing can touch me—except wait, I better go outside before I turn into a computer. Before there was the screen there was The Scream. Apparently my computer thinks I live in Potwin, Kansas. Should I think about moving?
Whenever you think your memory is not as good as it used to be, it’s important to remember that there used to be less to remember. If your memory is good, then everything you remember is not. From academia to the art world to Gary Shteyngart, someone needs to end this obsession with packaging success as failure. Best Sale of Failure: Success is so Next-season. What if we woke up and everyone wrote like Renee Gladman? “ALL SYSTEMS HAVE COLLAPSED. PEOPLE AND MONEY ARE ONE.” One problem I have with humans is the chain reaction of human thought. Maybe I mean action. One problem I have with human action is human thought.
I wake up thinking that dusts would be a great word. Not that I think we should have sports teams. Last night there were all these screaming drunk people walking uphill towards Broadway and I thought oh, someone won something. Luckily it stopped after a few minutes: there aren’t many bars around here anymore because this is a gay neighborhood—we have banks, supermarkets, and a new OfficeMax.
I wake up thinking about this system we call. Legal. So I wake up thinking about depression. Maybe I already told you that. THE MARKETING OF FAILURE IS OBNOXIOUS. Some of us are trying to express with words what cannot be expressed with words and this is comforting. But it’s hard not to eat what makes you sick when that’s what eating does.