Sunday, April 27, 2014

Surface areas

How do you hold onto something that’s already gone, I mean I know how to do that with relationships, unfortunately, or not relationships but the emotional memory, the loss. How to let that go, but bring back the softness in my body, the safety of self-expression, the intimacy of collapsing into support.

Oh, wait—what is going on? I have a headache from staring at the computer screen, so now I’m trying to stare in a softer way, help! Okay, I’m closing everything, and putting on the eye mask. But I hate those moments when suddenly I remember I live in a city without a bus map. Seattle, what is going on? I’d love to take a workshop on crying, but I still haven’t made it to a cuddle party.

Translation assistance: when someone says “I don’t hate anyone,” this really means they hate everyone. I can’t believe I just read an article about a new bar in my neighborhood that had to “marry” two bottles of some high-priced whatever in its first week, in a space “slated for redevelopment” within the next few years. If combining two bottles of liquor is called “marrying” them, what’s it called when you smash them against the wall?

But there’s good news—someone discovered the difference between nothing and nothingness. I still can’t decide if it’s a good sign when I wake up thinking about straight liberal homophobia. The Associated Repress. Oh, no — I must be on the wrong planet again because people are wishing Gloria Steinem a happy birthday. It’s a bit unnerving to see black mold spreading over the wooden frame of the building going up across the street. In a few weeks or months they will cover that with something, and then the building will be mold-free, right?

If there’s already black mold on the frame of a building under construction, can they still call it a green building? What’s it called when I thought I was going to do so much, but then my head glazes over? Every day. Although, this one is better than usual, or at least I thought so. I’m trying to get enough energy to not feel so exhausted. One thing that’s comforting about watching this building go up across the street is to see how much human labor is still required to create these structures we live in. I’ve decided to get rid of one of my sofas so that I can add another table. I need more surface areas. Hopefully this won’t just mean that I move some of the papers and books from one table to another, and then eventually they’re both covered.


kayti said...

I hope you write a new blog soon. I keep reading the same ones over again. Luickly they keep giving me something to think about.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Done! And, that's good to hear :)