Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Here's what happens when I wrote something a month ago, and now it's here

I just got a royalty check for $69.08. Do you think if I ask them to round it up to $69.69, they would object? I know that 69 is not officially a round number, but just look at it — something needs to be done about that definition. What happens when your old passwords take over from your new passwords? Is there a password for this? A password is not the same thing as a pass. I don’t know because I looked it up in the dictionary. Suddenly someone appears, words or no words, this will be a sentence. No, if this is a sentence, then there must be words. But what about the sentence without words? Still looking for the right language.

I’m starting to be able to feel my breathing in more dimensions, I almost said three, but it feels like four. I guess I mean directions: forward and back, side to side, up and down — maybe that’s three, maybe that’s six, but whatever it is I’m feeling more and this is a good sign, I think. It’s hard to recognize good signs, because so often they end up not being that good. I’m not sure if that’s an error of recognition, a displacement of signals, or a simple reading mistake. The difference is mostly inference. But what’s the difference between error of recognition, and recognition of error? Inference versus interference? Sometimes I open two search engines at once, and then I’m lost. I just got a voicemail that said: be sure to put your breakable and sharp objects outside in a box marked blind.

When I wake up thinking about the liberal imagination suffocating everything imaginable, I wonder what this means about me. I’m suffocating, that’s for sure, but what about my own imagination? What about living here in Seattle, so surrounded by middle-class dreams I mean there is hardly anything else. When I described Seattle as middle class in orientation, someone who recently moved here asked me to say what I mean. She said oh, you mean American. Both are problems. Are there solutions? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

One thing that’s harder here is to have interactions with a wide variety of people, I mean just when walking down the street. Because the people walking down the street are not that varied. And then, of course, there’s the problem that most people walking down the street don’t interact. That’s one of the things I mean by middle-class: act like you’re in the suburbs, even though you’re in the city. This is Seattle. I knew this when I moved here. It bothers me more when I’m doing worse. When I’m doing better, I can sense the other possibilities more. But what if Seattle is one of the things that keeps me feeling worse?


kayti said...

Don't spend it all in one place dear.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Thank you — if I save it, it will grow and grow and grow and grow, that's what I hear, I'm listening, I'm listening for this growth…

Love —