Saturday, May 24, 2014

Simple and gorgeous


Let’s change every day to April Fools’ Day, okay? The news will be so much better. Sometimes when I miss you, it’s helpful to remember that we never met. What’s it called when you start every conversation in your head for a few minutes before you call, not just the details of the conversation but even the hello part? “Hi Paul, it’s Mattilda.” Or, “Hi Paul, it’s Mattilda.”

          Someone once told me to watch my language, and look what happened. Can you watch my language for a few minutes, I’m going to the store. But I think I figured out the problem with all my problems. The naturopath said something about how your body is always on alert, but that’s not my problem, it’s the next step past that. My body has been on alert for so long that now it’s so difficult to turn on at the right times. Meanwhile, my body goes into fight or flight while I’m eating, I think that’s what happens when my brain suddenly starts racing and I can’t focus on what’s actually going on, this process of nourishment. But I don’t need to fight this food, I need to eat it. I don’t need to flee, I need to digest. How to get my body to realize this. The story of my life: when I’m sleeping, my brain races around to plan out an entire essay. But then when I get up I can’t think.

          It seems to me that asparagus can be bitter, or sweet, but never bittersweet.

“To defend oneself against a fear is simply to insure that one will, one day, be conquered by it.” James Baldwin, The Fire Next Time. I can’t believe Vice Magazine still exists. One of my computers just changed its time, and now I’m not sure which one’s right. Should I check the clock? I just checked the clock. Do we all just sit here waiting, what are we waiting for?

          BJ SERVICE, INC. 111-T CEMENTING UNIT

          The 111-T is the latest heavy-duty high-pressure cementing unit designed and manufactured by BJ Service, Inc. The 300 hp truck engine also transmits power to a high pressure 4 ½” x 8” triplex pump (reciprocating ram type) through a torque converter located between the engine and main transmission. Another 4 ½” x 8” duplex pump is driven by a 172 hp industrial engine, and the combined horsepower of the two engines can be utilized to drive the triplex pump when excessive pressures are encountered. Postcard by TriColor Multiprint Corp., Hollywood, 27, Calif.

Feminism beyond the category of woman is a feminism many of us have been imagining for a long time, but unfortunately this doesn’t mean the other feminism doesn’t still dominate. Sometimes this domination takes place in surprising ways, like when the category of woman opens up to include people like me. While I do think this is testament to a lot of work by a lot of people that the category of woman can sometimes shift to include a variety of bodies, I still think feminism needs to shift away from a reliance on this category. But what does feminism beyond the category of woman mean? It means hope.

          It’s so hard to avoid clichés in writing a descriptive blurb. Of course, a descriptive blurb is its own cliché. When you feel so alone that you think about moving to places where you felt even more alone. But then the sun comes out. What’s the cure for nostalgia? Truth.

          I’ve never liked her music, except for True Blue when I slow-danced with Robyn Novick at the school dance. Or, okay, maybe I liked Papa Don’t Preach, but anyway, why has Madonna been in my dreams for the last several nights? Last night her daughter was trying to do push-ups, she collapsed after three and just kept going, didn’t want to drink any water even though Madonna told her water was the secret to her success. Then Madonna sent her daughter away with a friend she didn’t know, so that she could try on all her outfits for the Grammys, even though didn’t the Grammys already happen?

          Sitting in a park in the sun I’m thinking this must be one of the most beautiful things in the world until I realize this is a park in the historically black neighborhood, and everyone in the park is white. Unfortunately, I feel terrible about 300% of the time. The rest of the time, I feel great. I’m getting confused, because first I was told to save the screen. And then I was told to capture it. I keep thinking someone’s calling me, but it’s another solicitation for donations. Thinking about writing a book called I CAN’T EVEN THINK. Which means I’m actually trying to edit the book I’m actually writing. Except I guess I need to lie down again. It’s hard to call healthcare practitioners when I feel this awful. Maybe the sun will come out, and then I can lie in the sun instead of trying not to lie down in here. I can’t believe someone called Twitter a safe space. I can’t believe someone called anywhere a safe space. Maybe I’m getting somewhere. The sound of the saw outside, maybe there are birds, my eyes are so dry. Oh, there’s my breath. Let’s go in that direction. One day something will happen that will make me think nothing happened. Wait, I think that’s the sun. Is that the sun? I wonder what would happen if I did what I was trying to do when I sat down at the computer. Sometimes I think writing is about taking a really long time to do something that should be really easy. But anyway, there’s good news—I figured out how to change the beginning of this one chapter in my new novel, Sketchtasy, and now I can go on. CORRECT USAGE: A Funeral Home for the Upwardly Mobile.

          When someone says maybe the universe is trying to tell you something, I know I need another universe. Don’t call me sex-positive, but I think my whole body feels better just because I got fucked last night. And I wasn’t planning it. I was walking through the park looking for something else, but someone was looking for me, and then we were in the bushes. First I was thinking what am I doing getting fucked here, where there’s really no cover. Then I was thinking: what am I doing with my knees in the dirt, ass up in the air, and what if the cops come by right now? Then I was thinking how on earth does this feel so good, I mean I could just keep going but I better come before it starts to hurt. Then I was thinking maybe I should have gone longer, just to see how long it would have stayed pleasurable. But my knees were starting to hurt, that’s right — that’s why I stopped.

Only afterwards did I think of the real question: why is it a crime to do something so simple and gorgeous?

The other day I was surprised by someone who mentioned how a friend had to call the cops all the time because there were people shooting up behind his building. I was surprised because of the idea that they had to call the cops: I’m not usually around people who think this way. Especially when the idea was that they had to call the cops because someone was shooting drugs. When people say they have to call the cops because their landlord raised the rent, maybe I will start believing in the cops.

2 comments:

kayti said...

On April fools day maybe I will believe in cops. Ok, that was a lie. But I wanted to write something. I will be calling you soon. I want to hear your pretty voice.

mattilda bernstein sycamore said...

Hooray -- that April Fools made me smile, my dear!

Love--
mattilda